Monday, June 1, 2015

An Open Letter to Andor Genesis

"Dear" Andor Genesis:

You suck. You suuuuuuuuuuuck! You're one of the most frustrating bosses I can remember from my childhood, ranking right up there with that chrome demon head from Sinistar. However, Sinistar can be beaten if you know the trick... just lure him behind you and drop a payload of Sinibombs in his face as you dart away. How anyone can beat you reliably is a mystery for the ages. Even before you appear, you clog the screen with enough firepower to turn Xevious into a bullet hell shooter. Sure, you only take one shot to kill, but your weak point is right in the center of your miserable body, and heaven only knows how anyone can get that close to you without getting blown to bits by your zillions of tiny flashing bullets. Every time I drop a bomb, it always stops just three pixels shy of your core. Even if I CAN hit the target, I end up dying while you sneak away as a tiny ball of plasma. Then I "get" to do it all over again, including that oh so fun struggle through an impenetrable front line of bullet spitting metal sphincters and those flippy plates you can't destroy no matter how many times you shoot them. How do you make those things airborne, anyway?

Even your name is obnoxiously difficult! I've been calling you "Andro Angenesis" (or alternately, "that stupid bastard") for years before I finally got it right. What the hell is an Andor Genesis, anyway? You haven't been the genesis of anything, except frustration and dangerously high blood pressure. I don't even think you were ON the Genesis at any point, were you? Your name is one great big lie!

In short, stop shooting at me so much so I can shoot at you.


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