Impulse Buying to Come Again!

Boy, that couldn't have been timed better. On the day I received my stimulus check, Amazon sells the international version of its bite-sized Neo-Geo arcade cabinet for thirty dollars. Yep, that's an insta-buy right there. It doesn't matter that I have a half dozen other mini consoles already or that I purchased the Humble Bundle with most of these games included a few years ago. It doesn't matter that it didn't get glowing reviews from critics, with many complaining about the blurry display on television sets. (Who needs a television? It has its own built-in screen, right?) It doesn't even matter that SNK forgot what microswitches were after all these years, because I wanted one of these bad, and for $29.99, there's no way I could resist. 

That's like, thirty dollars for forty games and a system that can play them. Do you know how much a Neo-Geo and forty games cost at retail thirty years ago? Eight thousand six hundred dollars. I'd be stark raving bonkers not to get this! And while I'm aware the Neo-Geo Mini's got issues, a lot of that stuff can be circumvented with hardware I already own, like the M30 joypad. An inevitable hardware hack will take care of the rest.

There was one other thing I wanted to mention before I go, because it's kind of important. Nintendo is closing the eShop for the Wii U and 3DS in forty-two different countries, mostly in the Caribbean and South America. Should this concern you? Definitely, if you happen to live in Barbados. However, considering Nintendo's past actions, this move probably won't be limited to travel hotspots like the Virgin Islands. Recall that early last year, the company shuttered its Wii eShop in America, denying millions of players access to the games they already purchased. This first step toward planned obsolescence suggests that the digital storefronts for the Wii U and 3DS will be on Nintendo's hit list next year. 

The company's aggressive retirement of its past consoles isn't just frustrating for the players who still use those products; it's downright bewildering when you consider that its competitors are less eager to nail the coffins shut on their legacy hardware. You can still download games for such oldies as the Xbox 360 and PSP, and either play them on those systems or their successors. Nintendo's insistence on giving their own games an expiration date not only reflects poorly on them, it casts a shadow on the concept of digital content. Does anything really belong to you in this modern age? At least one game company seems to think the answer is "no."

(Special thanks to CMunk, whose 7-12 Serif font was the closest I could find to the one used in mid-1990s Capcom games like Saturday Night Slam Masters.)

The 'Ol Switcheroo

Remember when I'd occasionally review a handful of games for the Playstation Vita? You're probably not going to see much of that action now. Since Sony dragged that system out to the woods to be shot- I mean, let it live out the rest of its days in a grassy field with all the other retired handhelds- I'll turn my attention to the Switch instead. Here now are five games I recently played for the system, in no particular order.

WHIPSEEY AND THE LOST ATLAS
Blowfish Studios

It looks like Kirby's Adventure, it sounds like Kirby's Adventure. But brother, this ain't Kirby's Adventure. Just when you think you know what to expect from this peppy action title with a round pink protagonist, Whipseey throws you a curve ball and reveals itself to be more akin to the original Castlevania. 

This game has a thing for situations like this.
What would Sigmund Freud say?

It's not just the whip in the title, which doubles as a grappling hook and triples as a helicopter blade. It's that the hero, for all his resemblance to Nintendo's pink puff, has a decidedly Belmont-ish feel to his weight and jumps. It's rare to get thrown in a pit in a Kirby game, and even if it happens, you can fill your lungs with air and float out of the predicament. If Whipseey gets hit by an enemy while standing on the edge of a cliff, he's going in that pit, and no amount of struggling will save him.

What's most galling about Whipseey is that the level design and enemy placement conspire to take advantage of the title character's shortcomings. Seed-chucking creatures stand near the edge of platforms, demanding extreme precision with your whip. Other monsters rain down colorful pellets from the safety of perches Whipseey can't possibly reach with his jumps. Spikes and lava are instantly fatal, even with the window of invincibility you're given after colliding with an enemy. It's all very mean-spirited and very unlike Kirby, but luckily, it's also very short, so at least you'll run out of game before you run out of hair. C

PUZZLE QUEST: THE LEGEND RETURNS
D3 Go

Perhaps the brainiest of the match three puzzle games, Puzzle Quest demands a level of strategy and forethought far beyond the likes of Bejeweled or Zoo Keeper. (Not that Zoo Keeper, the other Zoo Keeper.) You're locked in battle against a series of computer opponents, and any moves you make could play right into their hands, giving them a chance to prolong their turns with four of a kind matches or damage you by stringing together skulls. Adding to the depth are magic spells, powered by the colored gems on the playfield. These harm or otherwise hinder your rival, but beyond that, using a spell lets you pass play to your opponent, forcing them to make a match that could spell disaster for them later.

Groot here beat the ever-loving sap out of me.

Unfortunately, the nature of match three puzzle games means that not every move is the result of deliberate planning. When pieces are removed from the playfield, a random jumble of gems and skulls is dumped into the bin to replace them, potentially causing chain reactions that have nothing to do with skill and everything to do with dumb luck. Worse yet, these chains usually come to the computer's advantage, robbing you of hit points and mana for spells. It's not as suspicious as the dice rolls from Culdcept, but it's nevertheless frustrating to watch the CPU get a cascade of matches in its first turn.

I've got other gripes, but they're mostly minor. The overworld map can be tricky to navigate and the game takes itself much too seriously, with dramatic dialog and a swelling orchestral score. You'd think the cousin of Candy Crush Saga would be just a teensy bit more self-aware. Nevertheless, Puzzle Quest is one of the standouts in the match three puzzle genre, even fifteen years after its debut. B

MARIO AND RABBIDS: KINGDOM BATTLE
Ubisoft

Mario sometimes gets compared to Mickey Mouse, and it's easy to understand why. They both serve as the spokesmen of the companies that created them, and they're both friendly... and safe... and a little dull, frankly. It's refreshing when these two mascots stray from the predictable paths set for them and dare to be stupid, which is why the recent Mickey Mouse cartoon shorts by Paul Rudish have been such a delight, and why gamers root for Mario's greedy, gross, and exquisitely strange doppleganger Wario.

Sherbet Desert? Oh, Sherbet DESSERT! Why did
it take so long for me to get that?

People were puzzled by the announcement of a Mario and Rabbids crossover, but in retrospect, it makes sense for the same reason Wario makes sense. It's because the Rabbids don't make sense, and Mario needs that injection of lunacy to keep his adventures from becoming too routine. This is definitely not a routine Mario game, and it's not just because the screaming, bug-eyed bunnies have brought toilet fountains and time-traveling washing machines to the Mushroom Kingdom. The gameplay itself is off-the-wall, a strategy RPG that weaves staples of the Super Mario Bros. series into the gameplay, and somehow makes the warp pipes, bricks, and stomping work in a completely different context.

For the most part, battles are all about sending your trio of characters behind cover, letting them safely snipe at their enemies with arm cannons. However, they've got the option to vault off a nearby teammate to increase their range. This is especially handy for Mario, who can chain the vault into a stomp, then either land a safe distance from the target he's squashed or blast them in the face with his cannon. Throw in a variety of alternate weapons and helpful techniques, and you've got a game that's as surprisingly deep as it is weird... and it's plenty weird. A-

SWORDS OF DITTO: MORMO'S CURSE
OneBitBeyond

There's nothing like a good old fashioned Legend of Zelda game. And since Breath of the Wild is nothing like one, you'll have to fall back on a substitute; something that can offer a quick, dirty fix for your classic Zelda cravings. Luckily, Switch owners have Swords of Ditto, an overhead view action-adventure title with dungeons to explore, puzzle-solving weapons to wield, and a labyrinthine castle at the end, overflowing with dangerous monsters.

You'll do WHAT to my WHAT now? So much
for dying with dignity.

However, there are a couple differences worth noting. The first is that Swords of Ditto is more contemporary and tween-focused than The Legend of Zelda. Instead of medieval pixel art, you get bright colors and round-faced heroes that look like they bounced out of your television during a Cartoon Network marathon. Instead of potions, armor, and swords, you're given hamburgers, stickers, and toys, and instead of a single elfen hero, your character could be just about anyone, from children to battle-scarred bunnies.

That leads us to the other difference... Swords of Ditto is a rogue-like, with its world built from scratch and the player forced to complete as much of it as possible before time expires. If you enter the final battle unprepared and lose, you have to do it all over again with a new hero and a newly constructed world. If you triumph against the witch Mormo, you... get to do it all over again with a new hero and world. There's a true ending in it for you if you manage to find the secret that breaks this vicious cycle. However, all but the most Zelda-starved players will be happy to beat this game once and move on with their lives. B

LUMINES REMASTERED
Bandai/Resonair

There was time for Klax in the 1990s, but every decade since has made time for Lumines. This musically inclined puzzler has a hypnotic draw even Tetris can't match, which is why the game jumped from its original home on the Playstation Portable to nearly a dozen other consoles.

The little guy on the left is pretty happy.
You will be, too.

There have been sequels in the years since, with licensed music from major recording artists and slight tweaks to the gameplay, but this is the original Lumines. Not much has been changed from its PSP debut beyond improved menus, but it was a well rounded package fifteen years ago, featuring puzzle and versus modes along with the standard single player challenge. It's hard to think of much that would have enhanced the experience. 

If you haven't played Lumines, try not to assume too much from screenshots. It looks simplistic, with the player matching just two colors rather than the usual five or six expected from a puzzle game. However, you'll understand its draw when the music takes hold of you and you're racing to build as many squares as you can before the steadily advancing timeline wipes them all away. The game would work even without musical accompaniment, but the pulsing background tracks accentuated by your every move makes Lumines more compelling... and compulsive. B+

Switch Way Do We Go?

The Dr. Dolittle series of books includes a beast in its menagerie of animals called the Pushmipullyu. This creature is born with two heads, placed on opposite ends and each fiercely determined to go in its own direction. Of course, since the two heads share a body, the Pushmipullyu struggles valiantly but ultimately goes nowhere.

"Breath mint!"
"Candy mint!"
(image from Aiim)

From my admittedly brief time with the system, that's the impression I get from the Nintendo Switch. It's a console! It's a handheld! However, each of its two personalities undermines the ambitions of the other. As a console, it can't compete with either of its contemporaries (or indeed, systems from the previous console generation) because its compact size and low power consumption limit its scope. Games for the Switch lack the visual luster of the Xbox One and PS4 versions, because the system just isn't capable of it.

As a Switch Lite owner, I'm feeling the pull of the other end of this improbable beast. It's a handheld, but all too often, games designed for the Switch aren't optimized for a smaller screen, and your eyes suffer as a result. This became clear (or not... clear...) to me after playing Sega Genesis Classics. Rather than offering a simple, straightforward menu with large, instantly readable fonts, developers d3t insisted on a cluttered user interface based on a teenager's bedroom, which makes nostalgia a higher priority than utility. 

Yes, that's cute. Can we just cut to the chase?

On a television set, I'm sure it's just fine... I've got the same game on Steam and the GUI is relatively easy to navigate on a fifteen inch monitor, if far from ideal. (One could ask why they didn't use a drop down menu, like Digital Eclipse did in its Sega Genesis Collection for PSP. Of course, that was Digital Eclipse, which had established itself in the previous decade as the master of classic game collections, and this is by... d3t, which judging from their work here might have a hard time finding the peanut in the middle of an M&M.) However, on the five inch screen of the Switch Lite, the tiny angled fonts will make you look like this guy in a matter of minutes...

"Sorry sir, trying my best! Unlike d3t!"
(image from Imgflip)

What's most galling is that on Steam, there's an option to dispense with the clutter in this flawed collection and just play the games from a simple launcher. The game is shown on the top, while the options are on the bottom. You cycle through the library with the D-pad, press a key when the game you want to play is shown, and clamp clamp kabam, you're playing it. This option is not available on the Switch, the one place where it was needed the most. Bra-vo, Sega.

But wait, the tiny screen of the Switch Lite affects good games, too! There's an indie title called Swords of Ditto: Mormo's Curse, a whimsical action RPG best described as a collision between The Legend of Zelda and Cartoon Network's CalArts phase. It's colorful, it's silly, and it's fun to play... but the cartoony, low contrast text that fits the game's lighthearted atmosphere does not belong on the Switch Lite. I feel like I'm missing a lot trying to play this game on a handheld- details on the monsters are obscured into nothingness on that little display- but trying to read the dialog may end up capsizing the experience entirely. After a half hour of this torture I might beg Vic Tokai to come out of retirement and show some mercy to my poor, bulging eyes.

Image from Classic Game Boy Ads

Fifteen Sentinel: Bullet-Packed

Elite. Bomb Jack. Manic Miner. The Dizzy series. These were all big hits in Great Britain, but here in the United States, they were barely recognized, overshadowed by high-profile NES titles like Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, and Castlevania.

You didn't watch the movie, now
don't play the game!
(image from TheGamesDB.net)

So it goes with Uridium. Released for home computers in 1986 by Hewson Consultants, this side-scrolling shooter was largely ignored in America, to the point where Mindscape had to rebrand it as merchandise for the film The Last Starfighter when they brought it to the NES. Of course, since this five year old movie wasn't particularly successful either, it didn't do much to improve Uridium's visibility, and the game continued to fly under the radar of most Americans.

Fast-forward to 2020. Huey Games now holds the rights to the Uridium series, and it's determined to finally find an American audience with the latest game in the series, Hyper Sentinel. It's not just louder, flashier, and more colorful than ever, but it's cheaper, sometimes selling for as little as fifteen cents on the Nintendo Switch. That's couch change when your couch is holding out on you. That's not even nickels and dimes... that's nickel and dime. Try ignoring it now.

Needless to say, this was the first purchase I made for my Switch. At that price, why wouldn't you? Expectations are pretty low when you're charged a palmful of pennies for a game. If it gives you anything past an error screen, it's already earned its keep. Fortunately, Hyper Sentinel aims higher than you might expect for the price. It's noisy, chaotic, and inscrutable, but once you understand the play mechanics, you'll get more than your money's worth out of it.

Like Activision's The Dreadnought Factor, Hyper Sentinel is a series of strafing runs, with your ship hovering over the top of a gargantuan battle cruiser, picking off cannons, power cells, and other targets. Once the targets have all been destroyed, the battleship summons a "guardian" in a last ditch effort to crush you. Bring that down and it's mission accomplished... the dreadnought succumbs to its injuries in a satisfyingly drawn out explosion. Bring on the next one!

However, the game is not as cut and dry as that description makes it sound. Despite an instruction manual accessible from the options screen, Hyper Sentinel is confusing for newcomers. What exactly on that battleship am I supposed to blast? Why isn't that target destroyed... didn't I already shoot it? What's the point of the rainbow colored enemies that pop up from time to time? Why did that thing damage me and make me reverse course? Why did I suddenly get all my energy back? Unlike most shooters, Hyper Sentinel is not immediately intuitive, and it's going to take a few games to understand what makes it tick.

It's a lot to absorb, isn't it?
(image from Nintendo)

Once it all comes together, Hyper Sentinel is a fun distraction... not addictive per se, but an enjoyable way to burn through five minutes of your spare time. You jump in, blow up a couple of battleships, unlock some new stages, and quit when you're ready to play something more substantial. It's not on par with the best shoot 'em ups on the Switch, and I wouldn't recommend it for its standard retail price of eight dollars, but for fifteen cents? Yeah, you've got my attention.

Shrink Fighter II

Good news, everyone! My Switch Mini is scheduled to arrive in two days! That means I'll be able to take advantage of the Spring and Sega sales scheduled to end next week. Did you know that you can't purchase Switch games on the eShop until you actually have a Switch, in your hands, registered to your Nintendo account? Absolutely true. I even called the customer support line to check. None of the other game companies do this... with PSN and Xbox Live, you can "bank" games for next generation systems and download them once you've bought the machine. Not Nintendo, though! They've got to be big jerks about everything.

While I'm waiting for the Switch to get here, I can twiddle my thumbs and their neighboring digits on this...

This is the Street Fighter II Champion Edition fight stick by New Wave Toys. Yes, it literally fits in the palm of your hand. What's more shocking is that it works surprisingly well in spite of its size. They put real microswitches in this thing, as demonstrated in a teardown video by Johnny Liu. This results in a level of precision that's not quite up to snuff with a full-sized fight stick, but will definitely get the job done for a quick dip into Ultra Street Fighter IV or a few rounds of Sunsoft's brilliant NES adaptation of the late 1980s Batman film.

My only beef is that it's so small it can be tough to keep it still on a table. Set it in your hand instead and it restricts the use of the action buttons to your thumb, which isn't ideal when you've got six of them. Nevertheless, I've had much larger fight sticks that were much worse. 

Scratching that Switch

I don't regret this. But I may rue and lament it.

Last month, I briefly considered buying a Switch Lite from Wal-Mart, but car troubles put a screeching halt to those plans. This month, with the world at a near standstill and me bubbling over with nervous, potentially destructive energy, I bought a Switch Lite that popped up on ShopGoodwill. This Switch Lite, to be specific. 

Did I need it? Not really. Would a Fisher-Price yellow be my first choice of color? Certainly not. Does Nintendo deserve my patronage after taking my loyalty and wiping its ass with it like so much hoarded toilet paper? Not in the least. None of that matters, because I am bored and worried and I need something to do with my fingers aside from sticking them in my mouth to chew my fingernails, because that's exactly what people tell you not to do during a pandemic. (Holy shit is this year horrible.)

Also, this was the only Switch I could find online that was anywhere near its retail price... you can't find them in stores, and the people who do have them have been flipping them online at a significant markup. At $230 with shipping and tax, it still took a wrecking ball to my bank account, but if that much discussed stimulus check gets here by the middle of the month, I should be fine. If it doesn't, I might become one of those jerks trying to scalp a Switch online.