The East We Could Do

Just before my Nintendo Switch arrived, the eShop had wrapped up a sale on classic Data East games. This was frustrating, because Data East was a little piece of my arcade-hopping childhood, and it pained me to miss out on reliving that experience for a reasonable price. 

However, a friend on Twitter assured me that these games went on sale all the time, and that I'd get another crack at them soon enough. Sure enough, a few weeks went by and that friend alerted me that the sale had returned. I learned that pretty much everything in the Johnny Turbo's Arcade line was discounted to two dollars, so I hauled ass to the eShop to clean house.

Ugh. Didn't I get enough of you in GamePro?

Before you ask, yes, these games are presented by that Johnny Turbo. The hefty, hirsute hero appears in the corner of the menu, and each title is introduced with the nasal voice of his real-life inspiration, marketer Jonathan Bradstetter. It's anyone's guess why he's still using the name "Turbo," given that the console he championed went down in flames decades ago, and that these games have absolutely nothing to do with the Turbografx-16. (I mean, if Bloody Wolf was here, maybe? But it's not...) Nevertheless, he's here, and like the pesky mother-in-law who frequently stops by for unexpected visits, you'll have to accept that he's part of the overall package.

Speaking of grim acceptance, you should also know that the emulators running these games weren't designed by M2, or Hamster, or Code Mystics, which means that you won't be getting the features or the performance you've come to expect from those talented studios. The options in each game are typically limited to aspect ratio, a handful of video filters, and loading and saving your progress. 

This isn't really the way I want to play it. Can I- no?
It's this or nothing? Okay.

Controls are locked to B for jumping and A for attacks, which feels awkward on a Switch Lite. Say you want to move the heavy attacks to X and A in Fighter's History, or aim directly with the right thumbstick in Heavy Barrel, rather than slowly rotating the gun in either direction. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Well, forget it. You're in Brandstetter's house now, and you play by his rules... his senseless, uncomfortable rules.

The games run well enough, but aren't airtight as they tend to be in M2's emulators. I've had Heavy Barrel loop back to the title screen after I finished the first stage (just one time, but the first time, which was a little alarming), and Night Slashers exhibited flicker and sprite issues. Admittedly, this was a pretty obscure game in arcades, and it could have had the same problems there, but you definitely notice it here.

Past these issues and the developers' tendency to play musical chairs with the insert coin and player start buttons, the games offered in Johnny Turbo's Arcade are as playable as they've ever been. Of course, not every game is as enjoyable as you thought they were when you first played them... as I quickly discovered with Bad Dudes. Let's look at the eight Data East games I purchased, shall we? I'll end each review with a final verdict; whether the game was worth the price or if it left me with two dollars of buyer's remorse.

BAD DUDES

I won't try to leave you in suspense... I mean, the warning is right there in the title. Bad Dudes was aggressively advertised by Data East, which claimed on the back of EGM that it would topple Double Dragon as the king of beat 'em ups. While the arcade version of Double Dragon has problems that are more obvious in hindsight, it's nevertheless a hell of a lot better than this. 

I can't believe I played the whole thing... (gurp)

Bad Dudes takes the flatness of a side-scrolling platformer and combines it with the sluggishness of a brawler, then tops it all off with a limited move set and a flood of cheap enemies barfed out from either side of the screen. You can't perform holds or throws, and you can't pull off slick combination attacks; not that they would be of much use since each cardboard ninja falls to a single punch. Aside from the bosses, which take huge chunks of your life bar in the later stages, nothing ever feels like combat against an evenly matched foe... just crowd control.

Sure, the graphics are a little crisper and more realistic than they were in Double Dragon, but there's no prettying up the repetitive gameplay and the control, which never feels as tight or as deliberate as it should be. We may not have realized it in 1988, once you play this for fifteen minutes, wishing you were doing anything else, it will be crystal clear... this sucks.

WORTH $2?: HA HA HA no

CAVEMAN NINJA

I have fond memories of Joe and Mac in arcades and on the Super NES... and this threatens to unravel that nostalgia. I used to play this with my brother and a friend, and it turns out that the experience is a lot different with two players. You've got someone at your side, helping you clear the screen of scruffy neanderthals. If you die, your next life appears where you lost the previous one. If you run out of lives, you drop more quarters into the machine and keep going, no worse for wear.

Single player Joe and Mac is not so forgiving. Your caveman has a deceptively long life bar that steadily drains on its own and loses great big chunks from contact with enemies. If you get hit three or four times, the screen fades to black and you're dragged back to a checkpoint, or forced to restart a boss fight. This turns what was a fun if insubstantial action game into a brutal test of your reflexes and memorization. Fail and you get to do it again. And again. And again. And- whoops, you just threw your Switch at the wall. That'll be expensive to fix!

The Super NES version of Joe and Mac had all the comical, color-drenched graphics of the arcade game, but was tweaked to be a more palatable single player experience. Levels were structured differently, the health bar was more honestly depicted, and getting hit cost you a lot less of it. It was simple fun even without a friend along for the ride, but the arcade game practically demands one. Understand this before taking the plunge.

WORTH $2?: Not without 2 players

FIGHTER'S HISTORY

I wish I could recommend this. I'm a fan of versus fighting games, and I even like Fighter's History, albeit ironically. It's dumb, shameless fun, with a cast of characters that straddles the fence between familiar and ridiculous. You've got an onion-headed Terry Bogard armed with baked potatoes, punk rock Guile, the Frenchiest French man in existence, and of course the blubbery Karnov, who serves as the final boss. When they win, they spout off impressively rude lines of dialog, and when they lose, they look like they've been beaten with the ugly telephone pole. If you've been playing fighting games for a while and can have a good laugh at their expense, you'll devour this one like Pringles. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen... and I want more."

At least the announcer is a little better in Fighter's
History, sounding like Dark Helmet threatening
Princess Vespa. It fits in a game that feels
like a parody of its genre.

If you like the cheese-slathered combat of Fighter's History, you're better off jumping straight into the sequel Karnov's Revenge. It's not only got more characters, with a wild ox offered as the final final boss, but the emulation is superior, with Hamster offering features that are deeply missed here. You can't change the button configuration, you can't change dip switch settings, and you can't lower the difficulty; something you'll desperately want to do, because the CPU fights like a rabid wolf when his life drops to twenty-five percent and the music picks up tempo. 

Fighter's History at least looks nice, in a store brand Street Fighter II kind of way, and the gameplay is on par with other games in the genre, but you can do better on the Switch. Hell, you can find a better game in its own series.

Worth $2?: Do you have an extra six dollars? Get Karnov's Revenge instead

HEAVY BARREL

Top-down military combat was big business in the 1980s. You had your Commando, your Ikari Warriors, and of course Data East's contribution to the genre, Heavy Barrel. It doesn't look substantially different from Ikari Warriors, with the same rotary dial joystick and waves of relentless enemies, but Heavy Barrel distinguishes itself from the rest of the pack with a clever hook. Specially marked enemies carry a key which can in turn open chests, which award new guns and bombs. These weapons are generally a lot more powerful than the ones in competing shooters, but the king of them all is a shoulder mounted laser cannon that must be assembled from six different pieces. Collect them all and the game is your bitch for about forty seconds.

Past the secret toy surprise, Heavy Barrel is a standard issue military shooter. It pumps out a lot more enemies than other games in the genre and it has a slightly more futuristic look, but if you've ever played Ikari Warriors, you can jump right into this one without missing a beat. It's a little repetitive- the industrial stage with its elevators and grated metal floors just never seems to end- but the arsenal of weapons and of course the all-powerful Heavy Barrel should hold your attention for at least a few levels. You can also invite a friend to play with you... just try not to get mad when he gets the super weapon first.

Worth the $2?: Yeah, I'd say so

NIGHT SLASHERS

Data East hit its creative peak with Night Slashers, a side-scrolling beat 'em up that replaces the usual sleazy thugs with decayed zombies and movie monsters. As either a Chinese martial artist, a brawny cyborg, or the hip descendant of the Van Helsing bloodline, it's up to you to send these wayward souls back to their graves. Punches and kicks are usually enough to get the job done, but you can also hammer the undead into the ground with an overhead smash, or resort to a stylish, screen clearing super move. It drains your energy, sure, but it's almost always worth the sacrifice.

Good luck putting Frankenstein back together
after this. Better get a ladle and a bucket.

There's so much attention to detail in Night Slashers that it almost borders on swagger. Zombies swing their shoulders wildly as they lurch toward you, hoping to sink their teeth into your flesh. Vampire hunter Christopher ends his combos with the flash of an enchanted jewel that liquifies any nearby undead creatures. Land a fatal blow on a boss and the flesh cascades from their bones, leaving a hollow skeleton behind. The monsters are brilliantly designed, with a puppeteer and his shambling blue sidekick being a highlight. Throw in responsive control and you've got a top-shelf product, easily on the level of Capcom's own beat 'em ups. Games like this will make you wish Data East had stuck around long enough for an encore. 

Worth $2?: Abso-freaking-lutely

NITRO BALL

"Hey boss, you know Smash TV? The game that's pretty hot over in America? We should make something like that."
"That's a pretty good idea. We can't JUST make a clone, though... not after that whole Fighter's History mess. What are you going to do to make it distinct?"
"Well, I... uh... people like pinball too, right? So we'll put in some bumpers, maybe a few of those little spinning card things..."
"You just pulled that out of your ass, didn't you."
"Please don't fire me."

Yes, Nitro Ball is the union of two play styles that no sane person would ever consider bringing together. It's got the rapid fire shooting action and the game show atmosphere of Smash TV, complete with an overly enthusiastic host and big prizes that pop out the thugs you've gunned down. However, instead of being reduced to a fine red mist, the goons you've blasted curl up into a ball and bounce around the playfield. For the most points, you'll want to lead their corpses into bumpers, drop targets, and holes that award a jackpot bonus. At best it's a fun added challenge and at worst it's a distraction, but it nevertheless serves the purpose of making Nitro Ball more than just a copy of Smash TV.

What's surprising is that Nitro Ball captures the sensory overload of a game show better than Midway's game. You're bombarded with loud colors, flashing lights, and urgent music, and the gift boxes from Smash TV have been replaced with sports cars, mansions, and glittering gold watches. The stages feel a little too confined in spots and the lack of twin sticks for firing is an inconvenience, but where presentation is concerned, Nitro Ball makes the game that inspired it look like an old episode of Jeopardy.

Worth $2?: Oh baby, yes!

SLY SPY

Sly, nothing! This game borrows so much from the James Bond franchise and does so little to hide the fact that you almost have to admire the brazen copyright infringement. As a secret agent with a three digit code name and a face only Timothy Dalton could love, you must infiltrate the Council for World Domination, fighting a metal-jawed giant and a heavyset man in a tuxedo who expects you to die. Yes, he actually says that... "I expect you to die." It's a small wonder that when Capcom sued Data East, they didn't have to wait in line behind MGM and the estate of Ian Fleming.

Party on, dudes!

Anyway. Sly Spy is a side-scrolling action title best described as the love child of Rolling Thunder and Data East's previous game Bad Dudes. You're armed with a gun, as are most of your enemies, but you don't crumple in a couple of shots like you would in Namco's game. It doesn't play as cleanly as Rolling Thunder, with your terrorist foes clumping together in large crowds, but Sly Spy does have the benefit of variety, with your secret agent diving from an airplane, racing through traffic on a motorcycle, and swimming through shark-infested waters. Unlike Bad Dudes, this game spends so much time changing up the action that you never have a chance to get bored. As a tip of the hat to Data East's other game Heavy Barrel, you can also build a devastating "golden gun" with pieces scattered through each stage. Really, it was like they were asking to get sued.

Worth $2?: Live and yes, buy

TWO CRUDE

Even Worse Dudes? Yes! But also no! Look, it's complicated. Two Crude is essentially a sequel to Bad Dudes, with many of the same problems. Levels are nearly as flat as they were in the first game and the combat is brain dead, but Two Crude's got two things going for it that Bad Dudes didn't. The first is that nearly everything you see in the post-apocalyptic wasteland can be picked up thanks to a dedicated grab button. See that punk running toward you? Grab him and toss him into a few of his friends. See that traffic sign? Rip it out of the ground and bludgeon somebody with it. See that totaled car? Yeah, you know what to do with that. It's ridiculous and not at all realistic, but it's nevertheless liberating to interact with things that would just be wallpaper in other games.

The second thing is that Two Crude, as suggested in the title, is joyously tacky. The grey of the dying city in the first stage is splashed with colorful graffiti. Enemies include a psychotic Santa Claus and a man who accessorizes with a ten foot snake wrapped around his body. Your mercenary wears shades and a mohawk, and is as likely to throw around a cheesy quip as he is a nearby Buick. It's still not a good game, but Two Crude at least has personality, and for some players that might be enough.

WORTH $2?: Maybe? I mean, if you like camp...