Gorillas in the Switch

One of the fringe benefits of having a Switch is that I can finally have an arcade perfect port of Donkey Kong. That should have been a possibility at least twenty nine years ago when the Super NES was launched, and we shouldn't have to pay eight dollars for this long overdue privilege, but it is what it is. 

Anyway, here are some observations on the game so exciting it made an eight year old me pee his pants. (Look, I had a quarter and the Dairy Queen had both a Donkey Kong arcade cabinet and a pay toilet. Talk about Sophie's choice.)

• When I was a kid, there was only one way to play Donkey Kong... with the levels shuffled so that the player frequently had to play the barrel stage. The barrel stage is a Donkey Kong trademark, but it's also hard, with the rolling containers having a nasty habit of meeting you halfway on whatever ladder you're climbing. Each time you reach a new barrel stage, it gets harder, until DK starts throwing barrels with the uncanny precision of a trick bowler. Luckily, the Japanese game with its more straightforward level arrangement is included in the package. This means fewer barrel stages, and fewer chances for a zigzagging blue skull barrel to lodge itself into Mario's brain.

After all those barrels, you deserved that concussion.

• I've frequently bemoaned the lack of the cement factory stage in home Donkey Kong ports, but after some reflection it really does seem like the most expendable part of the game. It's not terrible, but it lacks the seat of your pants thrills of the barrel stage, the challenging jumps of the elevator stage, and the clever hook of the final encounter with Kong. Here, you just race up ladders, occasionally fighting the momentum of conveyor belts and bounding over cement pans that seem downright passive next to the barrels and fireballs in other stages. It's functional, just nothing exciting, which is likely why it was always the first stage to get the axe in the home versions.

• I mentioned the fireballs earlier, and they're worth discussing in further detail. They're tricky little bastards, moving erratically but with just enough purpose to make you think they're watching you... and waiting for you to screw up. Try to leap over the plumes of flame in the plug stage and they reverse course, guaranteeing a trip to the burn ward. Climb a ladder to reach that last plug and a fireball is almost certain to intercept you. One of the rare mercies of the barrel stage is that there's only one fireball onscreen (rather than the two in the elevator stage or the small army in the plug stage), but even it can catch you if you hang around the bottom of the playfield for too long.

Epyx later released a game called Jumpman Jr., which
somehow did not spark the wrath of the fiercely
litigious Nintendo. Maybe Howard Lincoln was on
vacation that day. 

• Hamster, the company that ported Donkey Kong to the Switch, refers to Mario as "Jumpman" in the instruction screen that briefly pops up while the game loads. I'm surprised someone still remembers! It's a shame Nintendo didn't make this Mario's official last name, opting instead for the redundant Mario Mario. (My personal choice would have been Mario Brothers, like the late pop psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, but I digress.)

• Hamster also gives you the option to play Donkey Kong with a border. Unfortunately, it's not the bezel art with a chibi Kong sticking his tongue out at Mario, who's always two steps behind his ape antagonist. It's a missed opportunity considering that Atari Flashback, also for the Switch, does have border art taken from the original arcade games. At least you can play Donkey Kong with its original vertical aspect ratio, although that doesn't work quite so well on the Switch Lite with its smaller screen and hardwired controllers.