He Who Laughs Clast

It's official... Microsoft now owns Bethesda lock, stock, and glitches. It's pretty big news for most people, since the lion's share of their games will be available on the successful Xbox Game Pass service, but it's hard for me to get excited about it, because the kinds of games they release aren't really to my personal taste. 

Honestly, I find myself confusing Bethesda with its competition more often than I should be comfortable admitting. Who published Borderlands again? Oh, that was 2K, not Bethesda. What about Bioshock? That was a 2K thing, too. How about Crysis? That was Ubisoft, I think. Or wait, that was Far Cry... Crysis was published by Electronic Arts. Instead of risking further confusion, I'll just skip the Bethesda talk entirely and post a picture of the Maneki-Neko I scored from the local thrift store.

A friend had brought me a beckoning cat from Japan some years earlier, but its ear got chipped after falling off a shelf, and it's currently stuck somewhere in Michigan. However, this one is large, local, and largely unblemished. I'm pretty happy about that... way happier than the Bethesda acquisition made me, for sure.

There was something else I needed to tell you. I've been playing Iconoclasts on my Switch, and while it's one of the better search action games you can play on the system, it falls face down in its oatmeal about halfway through, saddling you with a stealth mission that makes absolutely no sense and is absolutely no fun to play. You, the mute protagonist, and your friend, a ripe-smelling lady pirate*, must hide from an invisible superhuman named Ash who tries to track you down. Get caught and he'll crack your head against the pavement while leaving you with a parting insult. Fire at any trace of his location and the bullets sail past the telltale piles of leaves stirred up under his feet.

(* I'm not sure why the game is so fixated on Bea O'Plenty's aroma, but it comes up a lot. Like, more than Wario's smell in a Wario game, and his favorite snack is garlic.)

This completely mandatory and thoroughly obnoxious scene nearly derailed my progress through Iconoclasts. Mercifully, there's a solution, which I'll share with you now.

Lead both Robin and Mina to this small, hidden pool in the center of the stage. Hide Robin (press down and melee) and switch over to Mina. Fire your shotgun directly upward, then duck down and wait for Ash to walk over the bridge. When he does, target the trail of leaves with your gun and blast it to chip off some of his health. Duck back down for a couple of seconds to keep the heat off you, and repeat the process. Keep luring Ash out into the open and shooting him in the groin and he'll eventually yield... you won't even have to use Robin to deliver the coup de grace.

This combines strategies from a variety of online sources, but takes Robin out of the picture. She's the character you'll play for the majority of Iconoclasts, but I found her useless in the battle with Ash... her weapon charges much too slowly to hit the cloaked creep reliably, and even when a missile connects, he'll sometimes block it. Ash can't see you blast him from below with the shotgun, and he can't effectively counter the attack, making him easy prey.

Now that Ash is beaten, the only thing you'll have to endure from him is a long speech about hide and seek and the tragic fate of his daughter and blah blah blah yakkety schmackety. That's nice... now would you go away already? While you're at it, take your crummy stealth action with you.

One more thing! From now until they eventually run out of stock, you can get the AtGames Legends Gamer Pro for $99 from the Wal-Mart web site. I know, I know, "ew, AtGames!," but this particular AtGames product has been well received. You're getting one trackball, two joysticks, and a hell of a lot of buttons in this unit, along with a circular console with 150 built in games, and the potential to play a whole lot more. You have to jump through a lot of hoops to make the LGP play more games, but considering all you're getting for one Benny, it might be worth the effort.