Hot and Bato'ed

I had my doubts, but after switching to a better flash drive and then an SSD, I'm a Batocera believer. It does everything a Raspberry Pi running RecalBox can, but handles the more difficult games and consoles better. A Raspy Pi chokes when trying to play a nostalgic favorite of mine, Elevator Action Returns, but my five dollar yard sale PC running Batocera has no trouble with it.

Hey, it's pretty good, man!

Similarly, Dreamcast games that would likely be beyond the scope of the Raspberry Pi 3 run just fine in x64 Batocera. At least, they do after a little elective surgery on the host computer. See, the system I bought for chump change wasn't exactly state of the art even when it was manufactured over a decade ago, but that's nothing a little cybernetics a CPU upgrade won't fix. Swapping the E4600 with a Q9400 would more than double the machine's performance according to Passmark, and a Q9400 regularly goes for fifteen dollars or less on eBay. Maybe it's not so wise to throw money at an ancient computer, but this fool could part with fifteen dollars if it meant a massive speed boost in his plaything, and ultimately, a more satisfying experience.

The only problem is getting the chip in there safely. Screwing up past projects has left yours truly with a healthy technophobia. Software, that's not such a big deal... if something gets corrupted, you delete it and start fresh with a re-install. There's no back button for hardware, though... once that gets damaged, it's probably gone for good. However, since this was an el cheapo system and since I was bored beyond belief, I decided to roll the dice on a chip swap, while taking precautions to tilt the odds in my favor. Hey, a static discharge wrist strap isn't cheating... it's just good strategy.

It's alive! ALIVE! And it's going to bug the hell
out of Ray Romano in twenty years!
(image from Lawrence Arts Center)

After about an hour of work, I plugged in the computer, and... (pause for suspense) ...the brain transplant was a success! I'm as shocked as you are, really. I didn't notice the massive improvement in performance that Passmark suggested, but there's no denying that performance has improved. Hydro Thunder, one of the more demanding games in the Dreamcast library, was as swift as a boat anchor with the E4600 but moves at an appreciable clip with the Q9400... thirty frames per second on average. Capcom vs. SNK 2, which felt slightly sluggish with the old chip, is now briskly paced and responsive, just as it was on the real system.

Software for the more advanced GameCube still feels mired in muck, but now, the muck only goes up to the ankles rather than the knees. Mr. Driller Drill Land and Capcom vs. SNK 2 were fine even with the E4600, but now Bloody Roar: Primal Fury is playable too, with only infrequent pauses breaking up the action. Performance is better still in Mario Kart: Double Dash... that runs nearly as well as it did on an actual GameCube, but with a sharper resolution that adds luster to the warm, cartoony graphics. Def Jam: Fight for New York is a lost cause... not only does the system struggle with the game, much of the text is missing; no doubt a flaw in the emulation.

Here's where things get weird. I never had any issues with the Playstation Portable, a system more recent than either the Dreamcast or GameCube. Whether it was with the E4600 or the Q9400, Batocera absolutely nails PSP games, from the humble Xi Coliseum to the ambitious Soul Calibur: Broken Destiny. If you're running Batocera and want a taste of the Playstation library from the early to mid 2000s, this is the way to go. Not only do PSP games run much more smoothly in emulation than their Playstation 2 counterparts, but they look fantastic upscaled to higher resolutions.

Okay, so it's not as bad as Bubsy 3D. But come on,
that's less a battle of midgets and more a
battle of microbes.
(image from Flying Omelette)

Performance on the 3DO and Atari Jaguar was... less encouraging. The two consoles are notoriously resistant to emulation, particularly the Jaguar, and you can see it in the way their respective games run. The 3DO is just too much for the E4600 to handle, but stepping up to the Q9400 made Trip's folly run at the proper speed. Unfortunately, it didn't fix issues with the emulation, including Samurai Shodown's missing backgrounds and Way of the Warrior's unnerving habit of locking up three minutes after it starts. The Jaguar is crapola no matter what hardware you throw at it, with choppy frame rates that drain what little fun could be had from its already dubious library. (By the way, if you thought Bubsy sucked before, just wait 'till you try Fractured Furry Tales. Sheesh.)

Overall, I'm happy with the performance this little desktop can offer... the systems that aren't quite up to snuff can either run better by changing some options, or like the 3DO and Jaguar, weren't that good in the first place and are probably best avoided. Honestly though, I'm happier that I was able to install that new CPU without any device conflicts, electrical shorts, or the entire house bursting into flames. (Mental note: work on my paranoia and self-esteem issues.)