Son of a Switch!

We'll end the month with this oft-repeated rumor that's starting to sound like legitimate news... Nintendo is planning a follow-up to the Switch with more power, ho ho ho. See, there was this sitcom starring the guy who plays the astronaut in the Toy Story films, and... aw, forget it. The Red Green Show was better anyway.

Anyway, this news was reported by The Verge and Taiwan's Economic Daily News, which may or may not be a reputable source depending on whether or not you believe Taiwan exists. (No, I'm not over this.) Considering compromised Switch ports of games like The Outer Worlds, everyone is probably eager for a more powerful version of the system, but I personally don't know if I'm ready for a more expensive one. Hell, I'm scraping by with the Switch Lite, a dedicated handheld without the bells and whistles of the original model.

Also, remember that book I wanted to write about home console ports of Neo-Geo games? It's progressing, albeit with all the speed of an arctic glacier. The meat of the book, featuring Super NES, Genesis, TurboDuo, and Sega CD games, is finished, but I also wanted to add chapters about the Nettou series of Game Boy games, the Neo-Geo Pocket, and a special feature on how the Neo-Geo arcade hardware was secretly the champion of cash-strapped gamers in the 1990s.  Everyone who grew up in that decade tends to think of the Neo-Geo as the Rolls-Royce of game systems, as magnificent as it is impossible to afford, but it was quite a different story for both arcade owners and their customers. Did you ever see a Neo-Geo game that demanded two quarters for a credit? Yeah, my point exactly.

Tai-What?

So... a funny thing happened on the way to Reddit earlier today.

Reddit member LilMaker noticed after a software update that his Playstation 4 copy of Baseball Stars Professional 2 had a curious omission. The Taipei Hawks and Taiwan Dragons were now simply "Hawks" and "Dragons," while the other teams were unchanged. I decided to verify this by booting up the DotEmu version of Baseball Stars 2 in Steam, and found this:

One irksome thing about the DotEmu versions of Neo-Geo games is that you can't play them straight... they're presented in a wrapper that swaps out the original menus for homely modernized ones that detract from the overall experience. Look, I want the original Neo-Geo game, rough edges and all. I'm not nostalgic for... whatever this is.

When you get past the unwelcome new menus and get to the actual game, this is what you'll find...

Oh, so this is what John Lennon meant when he sang "Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do!" Unlike the Neo-Geo original, none of the teams in the Steam port of Baseball Stars 2 have a national affiliation, so you're just stuck with generic titles like "Hawks" and "Monsters."

This leads to the question, "what the hell is going on here?" A more cynical person would suggest that since SNK currently belongs to China-owned 37Games, the company has been "gently persuaded" into removing all references to Taiwan from its games, as the Chinese government doesn't recognize the country as separate from the mainland. 

Actually, I'm exactly that cynical, so that's what I'm suggesting, yeah. It's not that far-fetched, considering that signs supporting the oppressed Ugyar people have been blurred out in live broadcasts of sporting events, and Activision pulled the prize money out from under Hearthstone champion Blitzchung after he demanded Hong Kong retain its autonomy from the Chinese mainland.

There's been a lot of hate thrown at people of Chinese descent thanks to COVID-19, so let me make clear that's not the intent of this post. Chinese people are fine. The mainland Chinese government led by Xi Jinping is the problem here, and it needs to keep its damn historical revisionism on its own shores. For what it's worth, I support both Taiwan and Hong Kong, and I take umbrage at being held to China's standards, seeing its propaganda, and being affected by its censorship. Frankly, nobody should have to put up with this, but Chinese authoritarianism is one export Americans in particular can do without. We have our own bloated, self-serving liar-in-chief, thank you very much.

ADDENDUM: But wait, there's more! Dave "Foxhack" Silva discovered that some hasty changes were made to a publicly distributed ROM of The Art of Fighting 2 earlier this month. The game, originally available in an SNK 25th Anniversary bundle, changes the Land of the Rising Sun flag in Takuma's stage to something a bit more tasteful. I guess I can't blame 37Games for this, since Japan had previously flown that flag while trying to occupy China during the Nanking Massacre. Yes, the very same massacre the musician from Dragon Quest refuses to admit happened.

Forsaken Fruit

First, in the way of substantial news, there's a new Wonder Boy game on the horizon, courtesy of the original creators and... Artdink? That's great news! I love those little guys!

Wait, I'm being told that "Artdink" is actually the Japanese developer responsible for No One Can Stop Mr. Domino! and Tail of the Sun, not the small desert aliens from Spaceballs. Oh well, I'm sure it'll be good anyway. It's also nice that Ryuichi Nishizawa is still involved with his creation even after the dissolution of his own game company Westone.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's why I'm really posting. I've been thinking about the low standing cherries have as a video game item... they're worth a measly 100 points in Pac-Man and its sequel Ms. Pac-Man, and have even less value in Game Freak's long-forgotten Mendel Palace.

Ten points? Seriously? A single dot in Pac-Man is worth ten points. I could get ten points just by standing still in some games. You need to earn trillions of points to get a high score in Mars Matrix, and you're giving me ten? That's not a reward, it's an insult.

It's not just those games, either. Not content with putting victory signs next to your health bar to demonstrate that you've won a round, Street Fighter Alpha 2 goes into specifics, using different icons to illustrate HOW you've won a round. Knocking out a foe with a light punch or kick earns you a cherry; presumably more as an insult to your opponent than you.

My question is this... what do the Japanese have against cherries, anyway? They seem to like cherry blossoms well enough, gathering every spring to watch the light pink petals delicately fall from the trees. You'd think from their unflattering depiction in video games that the Japanese regard cherries as an unfortunate by-product of the tree; something barely worthy of their notice. 

Personally, I don't like cherries either... the sensation of a round, squishy object with a thin skin in my mouth makes me feel like I'm eating an eyeball. I'm just one guy with weird eating habits, though. I don't understand why an entire country would hold a grudge against a fruit.

The Berlin Wall

Shortly after World War II, a wall was built between the east and west halves of Germany, to prevent immigration from the eastern half, firmly allied with the Soviets, to the western half, which had embraced capitalism after the fall of Hitler. For many years, it was dangerous, even fatal, to attempt to cross the border running through the middle of this divided nation.

However, after the fall of communism in 1991, Germans decided that it was time to unite their country, and the wall was brought down in November of that year. Years later, after the end of the 16-bit console wars and Sega's shift to third party development, we're seeing a similar unification between the Super NES and its rival, the Sega Genesis. Games that were once exclusive to one format are making their first timid steps into territory that had once been barred to them, thanks to the efforts of talented hobbyist programmers.

Take for instance, the recently unveiled Super NES conversion of Sonic the Hedgehog by TiagoSC. It's not so much a "conversion" as it is a proof of concept, running a single stage without a confrontation with Robotnik at the end, but it nevertheless seems to suggest that the Super Nintendo can keep pace with the frantic blue hedgehog. Here, take a look at this:

It seems TiagoSC has all his Flickies in a row with this demo... the lower resolution of the Super NES makes Sonic larger and there's slightly more slowdown, but it nevertheless seems quite playable, certainly more so than the hack of the Speedy Gonzales game that turns Warner Bros.' hyperactive rodent into a needlemouse. It's a bit like that fan-made Sonic the Hedgehog port for the Game Boy Advance which demonstrated that the system was quite capable of handling the game... it was Sega that dropped the ball with its official conversion.

On the Genesis side of things, there's a perfectly competent port of the original Super Mario Bros. by Mairtrus... if you can get used to the music sounding like it should be played at the seventh inning stretch of a Tigers game. More impressively, Mega Man X, long exclusive to the Super NES, has been partially ported to the Genesis courtesy of TiagoSC... yes, the same guy who did the Sonic proof of concept for the Super NES. He doesn't pick sides in the 16-bit console wars, as you can tell from this footage of the Chill Penguin stage.

It's a bit blurry (possibly due to the capture software used; I don't know if this is running on real hardware) but it faithfully brings a small portion of Mega Man X to a console that had been long deprived of it. There are differences, but they mostly play to the strengths of the Genesis, with a digital, bass-heavy soundtrack. It's certainly more impressive than the official Mega Man game for the Genesis, which was farmed out to an outside developer and hit the system with the wet thud of a thoroughly drenched diaper.

Putting it simply, the wall between the Super NES and Genesis has definitively been torn down, and homebrewers are playing in the rubble. They haven't given us complete versions of games console loyalists lusted after in the early 1990s, but they've nevertheless given us a taste of what could have happened if the rivalry between Sega and Nintendo hadn't been so heated.

Hot and Bato'ed

I had my doubts, but after switching to a better flash drive and then an SSD, I'm a Batocera believer. It does everything a Raspberry Pi running RecalBox can, but handles the more difficult games and consoles better. A Raspy Pi chokes when trying to play a nostalgic favorite of mine, Elevator Action Returns, but my five dollar yard sale PC running Batocera has no trouble with it.

Hey, it's pretty good, man!

Similarly, Dreamcast games that would likely be beyond the scope of the Raspberry Pi 3 run just fine in x64 Batocera. At least, they do after a little elective surgery on the host computer. See, the system I bought for chump change wasn't exactly state of the art even when it was manufactured over a decade ago, but that's nothing a little cybernetics a CPU upgrade won't fix. Swapping the E4600 with a Q9400 would more than double the machine's performance according to Passmark, and a Q9400 regularly goes for fifteen dollars or less on eBay. Maybe it's not so wise to throw money at an ancient computer, but this fool could part with fifteen dollars if it meant a massive speed boost in his plaything, and ultimately, a more satisfying experience.

The only problem is getting the chip in there safely. Screwing up past projects has left yours truly with a healthy technophobia. Software, that's not such a big deal... if something gets corrupted, you delete it and start fresh with a re-install. There's no back button for hardware, though... once that gets damaged, it's probably gone for good. However, since this was an el cheapo system and since I was bored beyond belief, I decided to roll the dice on a chip swap, while taking precautions to tilt the odds in my favor. Hey, a static discharge wrist strap isn't cheating... it's just good strategy.

It's alive! ALIVE! And it's going to bug the hell
out of Ray Romano in twenty years!
(image from Lawrence Arts Center)

After about an hour of work, I plugged in the computer, and... (pause for suspense) ...the brain transplant was a success! I'm as shocked as you are, really. I didn't notice the massive improvement in performance that Passmark suggested, but there's no denying that performance has improved. Hydro Thunder, one of the more demanding games in the Dreamcast library, was as swift as a boat anchor with the E4600 but moves at an appreciable clip with the Q9400... thirty frames per second on average. Capcom vs. SNK 2, which felt slightly sluggish with the old chip, is now briskly paced and responsive, just as it was on the real system.

Software for the more advanced GameCube still feels mired in muck, but now, the muck only goes up to the ankles rather than the knees. Mr. Driller Drill Land and Capcom vs. SNK 2 were fine even with the E4600, but now Bloody Roar: Primal Fury is playable too, with only infrequent pauses breaking up the action. Performance is better still in Mario Kart: Double Dash... that runs nearly as well as it did on an actual GameCube, but with a sharper resolution that adds luster to the warm, cartoony graphics. Def Jam: Fight for New York is a lost cause... not only does the system struggle with the game, much of the text is missing; no doubt a flaw in the emulation.

Here's where things get weird. I never had any issues with the Playstation Portable, a system more recent than either the Dreamcast or GameCube. Whether it was with the E4600 or the Q9400, Batocera absolutely nails PSP games, from the humble Xi Coliseum to the ambitious Soul Calibur: Broken Destiny. If you're running Batocera and want a taste of the Playstation library from the early to mid 2000s, this is the way to go. Not only do PSP games run much more smoothly in emulation than their Playstation 2 counterparts, but they look fantastic upscaled to higher resolutions.

Okay, so it's not as bad as Bubsy 3D. But come on,
that's less a battle of midgets and more a
battle of microbes.
(image from Flying Omelette)

Performance on the 3DO and Atari Jaguar was... less encouraging. The two consoles are notoriously resistant to emulation, particularly the Jaguar, and you can see it in the way their respective games run. The 3DO is just too much for the E4600 to handle, but stepping up to the Q9400 made Trip's folly run at the proper speed. Unfortunately, it didn't fix issues with the emulation, including Samurai Shodown's missing backgrounds and Way of the Warrior's unnerving habit of locking up three minutes after it starts. The Jaguar is crapola no matter what hardware you throw at it, with choppy frame rates that drain what little fun could be had from its already dubious library. (By the way, if you thought Bubsy sucked before, just wait 'till you try Fractured Furry Tales. Sheesh.)

Overall, I'm happy with the performance this little desktop can offer... the systems that aren't quite up to snuff can either run better by changing some options, or like the 3DO and Jaguar, weren't that good in the first place and are probably best avoided. Honestly though, I'm happier that I was able to install that new CPU without any device conflicts, electrical shorts, or the entire house bursting into flames. (Mental note: work on my paranoia and self-esteem issues.)

The Agony and the Ecstasy: Battle Princess Madelyn Royal

The most obnoxious games aren't the ones that are thoroughly bad. You might be stuck with them for a rental, or even until you find some poor unsuspecting sap to take them off your hands, but it's easy enough to detach yourself from them emotionally. "This stinks," you grumble, but after fifteen minutes of self-torture, you can give up on that irredeemable disaster and move on with your life, confident that it had nothing else to offer.

I'm looking at you, Bart vs. The Space
Mutants. Don't smile, you little
bastard! You know what you did!
(image from Lukie Games)

That's not the case with a flawed game, though. A flawed game can be exquisitely designed in some respects and piss-poor in others, but you'll keep coming back, determined to carve around the fat and gristle to reach the tastiest bits. You won't put down the fork and knife until you've taken that last savory bite... and the game will make you suffer for satisfying that hunger. That's the full course meal of pain you'll get from Battle Princess Madelyn... you stick a fork in it, while it sinks a knife into you.

As the legend goes, Battle Princess Madelyn was designed by Christopher Obritsch in response to his daughter's lament that none of the games in the Ghosts 'n Goblins series let you play as a female hero. On the surface, it was noble for Obritsch to make the experience more relevant to his child, as well as any woman who's weary of the mountain of games that lean on the "damsel in distress" trope. On closer examination, BPM is more selfishly motivated, intended less for the designer's young daughter and more for the segment of especially dedicated and masochistic gamers who finished the last four entries in the Ghosts 'n Goblins series. Put simply, the packaging says "Come on in, this is for everybody!," but the product inside says, "Git gud or get lost."

Image from Frinkiac

Before I get into the flaws, here's what Battle Princess Madelyn does right. It's remarkably faithful to the Ghosts 'n Goblins series, perhaps even more so than the official finale on the PSP, Ultimate Ghosts 'n Goblins. Instead of polygonal graphics, BPM is illustrated with gorgeous pixel artwork. Rivers of semi-transparent blood take you to your next destination as skeleton archers perch on tree tops, hoping to catch you with a stray arrow. Your ghostly canine sidekick emits an eerie glow and barks out a stream of deadly fireballs, making you rethink the old adage "dead puppies aren't much fun." Monsters include charging zombies who couldn't quite escape their coffins, enormous subterranean worms that lunge upward to catch you in their jaws, and bosses that fill two screens with their mass. It not only looks great, it doesn't sound too shabby either, with orchestral and chiptune renditions of the soundtrack offered as options.

Battle Princess Madelyn... it's pretty. Frustrating!
(image from Nintendo)

Another point in Battle Princess Madelyn's favor is that it brings quality of life improvements to the table. Ghouls 'n Ghosts let you fire in four directions while Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts has a double jump instead... BPM gives you both. Unlike any of the Ghosts 'n Goblins games, you're free to adjust your direction in mid-air, making it easier to dodge pits and land squarely on platforms. Maddie's got room for two weapons in her inventory, and the player can switch between them with the touch of a button. Additionally, if an enemy invades Maddie's personal space, she breaks out a giant sword and chops them to bits, making close quarters combat less risky.

Okay, we've buttered up the game long enough. Now here's all the rotten stuff in Battle Princess Madelyn that makes the good stuff hard to appreciate. Some flaws from the Ghosts 'n Goblins series were addressed in BPM, but not all of them... in fact, some of these issues have gotten worse. Take the skeletons that burst out of the ground, for instance. You're not given much warning of their impending resurrections, and they don't particularly care if you're standing on their graves when they make their appearances. They also seem more numerous than they were in the Ghosts 'n Goblins games, meaning more opportunities for you to be blindsided and robbed of your armor.

Rock 'n Roll Pumpkin, say it again!
(image from Nintendo)

Wait, wait, it gets better. There are ghostly allies scattered throughout each level, which give you free armor to replace any protection you've lost. However, if you're already wearing armor when you find them, they'll power it up, doubling its durability and also your weapon strength. Daggers multiply, axes become gigantic, and your dog's bone-shattering barks fork out into a trident, making it imperative to reach these friendly phantoms without a scratch. They're still useful even if Maddie's in her pajamas, but getting the standard issue armor feels like a frustrating consolation prize when you realize you could have gotten something much better.

No, I'm not done yet. Like Ghosts 'n Goblins and dozens of other platform games from the 1980s, Battle Princess Madelyn has a peculiar fondness for chucking you into pits, spikes, and other hazards, where you'll lose a life no matter how much armor you're wearing. Oh, did you work really hard to get that armor boost? Too bad, it all goes bye-bye if you're hit by a stray arrow and fall into a river of blood. Worse yet, enemies like the cave bats in the second stage are difficult to anticipate, because the game's form-before-function lighting effects mask their locations. You could take your time, but you don't have much to spare, and since lost lives don't reset the clock, each play becomes a nerve-rattling speed run. Oh, you don't like to play through your video games quickly? Too bad... if you run out of time, the game ends, and you're forced to continue from the beginning of the current stage.

Is she wearing...? Ugh! Just say "no" to
Shovel Knight crossovers, kids.
(image from Nintendo)
(seriously, must he be in EVERYTHING?)

You don't get any options to take the jagged edge off the game's difficulty, because clearly, having fun without torturing yourself to get it is for wimps. You begin to wonder how a game this stubbornly antiquated in its design and this unapologetically sadistic could appeal to a pre-teen girl... or the forty six year old man reviewing it... or anyone short of a cyborg with laser-guided reflexes and the foresight of the entire Psychic Friends Network. Put simply, Battle Princess Madelyn kind of sucks... but its worst flaw is it doesn't suck enough to let you abandon it completely.