Put a Data Cap in Your Ass

I don't know how much this matters because next to nobody reads this shit anyway, but can the game industry stop with the demand for massive downloads already? Somehow, people are wondering why Google Stadia- the service which forces you to stream games from a server hundreds of miles away- is plummeting to its demise, when it's clear that this country's internet can't even handle the demands of ordinary game consoles. 

Google Stadia.
(image from News4JAX)

Let me give you an example. Every time I turn on my Playstation 4, it insists on a time-consuming system update, or a game update, which explains why I haven't been turning on my Playstation 4 much lately. Oh, Dan Hibiki is finally available in Street Fighter V? That's fantastic! I'll go buy the character right... no, I guess I have to sit through a 27GB download first. That's ten hours of twiddling my thumbs waiting, instead of spinning them on the D-pad where they should be. 

He. Doesn't. Seem. To Have. A Problem. With.
Waiting. Maybe. I. Should Just. Be. Patient.
(image from the Disney Fandom Wiki)
(Did you know those Fandom guys just bought
out Fanatical, the company that sells Steam keys
at budget prices? Kind of surprised me.)

Remind me again how large Street Fighter V: Champion Edition was? 45GB, you say? Why am I downloading a file that's over half the size of the full game, when I've already downloaded the update that transformed it into the Champion Edition months ago? In fact, why did I have to re-download the whole damned thing from scratch last year, when I switched from a physical copy to a digital one? It's written to the hard drive one way or the other... the only thing that disc is good for is proof of ownership. 

All this downloading and re-downloading and re-re-downloading is wasted bandwidth, which is inconvenient for those of us slow internet speeds (read: every American who doesn't live in a city) and downright expensive for everyone with data caps. If the player is limited to 100GB of data a month by their ISP, they've just wasted a quarter of their allotment downloading a game THAT'S ALREADY ON THEIR HARD DRIVE! Can't you consolidate things a little? Is it really necessary to make an update with only minor revisions to the core gameplay HALF THE SIZE of the original file?! (Hint: No it's not, if you put in some effort.)

Not even kidding about this! If anything,
I undersold the size of this update!

We're at a point where the Xbox One that was originally envisioned as encumbered with DRM and a mandated internet connection is somehow less of a hassle to use online than the Playstation 4, which was originally promoted with this video. The restrictions Don Mattrick wanted to burden the Xbox One with in 2013 are history, yet the constant demands for downloads on the Playstation 4 remain an aggravating reality. 

Maybe they should have showed the part in the video where the Sony chairman had to wait through a bunch of system and game updates before he could play the disc he was handed in a couple of seconds. Remind me, can you post ten hour videos on YouTube?

Two for the Price of None

Oh, that whole Nintendo Direct thing? I didn't watch it... but fortunately, these guys did! Some highlights include a sequel to Splatoon, a new game in the Mario Golf franchise, and remakes of titles from a few console generations ago, including Legend of Mana and late Xbox Classic obscurity Stubbs the Zombie. Okay, I can see another Mana game on the Switch, but Stubbs the freaking Zombie? The action game built on the Halo engine, where you lob your own decayed, exploding body parts at residents of a quaint 1950s town? That came out of left field. Hell, that came out of a baseball stadium several miles to the west.

I don't want no Stubbs, a Stubbs is a corpse
that will get no love from me...
(image from USGamer)

Also, some sword-wielders from Xenoblade Chronicles are being added to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, and I will not be buying them. At the rate things are going, the cast of the next Smash Bros game will be fifty percent Fire Emblem and Xenoblade characters by volume. They can call it "Oops! All Swordies."

Now for the news that excites me! Match of the Millennium, the best fighting game and possibly best game ever on the Neo-Geo Pocket, has found a new home on the Nintendo Switch. That'll set you back $7.99, like all the other games in the Neo-Geo Pocket Color Selection series. Also, Capcom Arcade Studio has finally arrived, bringing with it two free games. You'll get 1943 by default, but you can also have Ghosts 'n Goblins gratis if you download it before the 25th. Oh yeah, I'd buy that for no dollars. 

The remainder of the games in CAS can be bought in packs, split into three different eras of gaming and each costing $14.99. The problem is that many of the games from the latter two packs were already available in Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection and Capcom Beat 'Em Up Bundle. No, they don't automatically unlock in CAS if you already own those two Switch games, although they really should. 

One other thing worth mentioning: Capcom Arcade Studio awards a fake currency called "CASPO" for your performance in the games, which appears to have no other function but online bragging rights. As if anyone would brag or even openly admit their high scores in a game that sounds like a brand of condoms. On the plus side, you won't have to feed all your CASPO (the machine gun toting ghost?) into a slot machine to unlock goodies, as you did in Capcom Classics Collection Reloaded for the PSP. On the down side, why didn't they call it Zenny? That's been the coin of the realm in Capcom games since the late 1980s.

Solder the Hedgehog

After ten thousand years, I'm free! It's time to... uh, update this blog.

Emboldened by my successes with previous electronics projects (repairing a JoyCon last week, and unlocking a stubborn smartphone the week before), I finally worked up the courage to order a replacement battery for my Dreamcast. I just finished the installation, and I'm pleased to say that the operation went smoothly, with no major crap ups. Removing the fan cable from the controller PCB was the hardest part... pulling out the connector proved stressful, as the port on the board wriggled with every tug. I was worried that I'd tear the damned thing off the board completely, but careful use of a pair of tweezers and pliers kept things where they needed to be. Desoldering the old coin battery proved far easier... it was as if the worn out cell was ready for retirement, and slipped off the board with little resistance.

This little mofo is gonna give you trouble.
(image from iFixit)

Now my Dreamcast has a fresh battery, and a holder that will make future swaps a snap. Preliminary testing has been encouraging... the system retains the time even after being unplugged from the power strip and reconnected, so I should never again be reminded of its (and my) advanced age.

It's a good thing, too, as I suspect I'll be spending more time with the Dreamcast thanks to the releases of Force Five and KenJu. I'm rather fond of the first game, a slightly wonky Virtua Fighter clone that nevertheless impresses by running at a brisk clip and offering features other fighting games don't. Case in point: projectiles often have unpredictable trajectories, with one character's fireball bouncing along the floor and another being pulled behind the fighter like it was loaded into a slingshot, before launching at the opponent. The game eventually reached Japanese arcades as Jingi Storm with an unwelcome hentai makeover, but I like it just the way it is here.

Tough games... demand tough talk, demand
tough hearts, demand tough souls, demand!
(image from Sega Sky)

I wish I were more enthused about KenJu. It's closer in design to Street Fighter II, but it's even more like Rival Schools, with the same off-puttingly stiff feel. Beyond that, some of the play mechanics are hard to grasp, like the the namesake KenJu Kakusei. See, there's a meter below the health bars that works like the tug of war bar in World Heroes' Death Match mode... land hits on an opponent and it fills with your color. Get it completely full by dominating the match and you can perform a rapid-fire flurry of punches and kicks for about five seconds. It's similar to the Variable Attack in Street Fighter Alpha 3 or the Exceed mode in Street Fighter EX 2, but you've got less control over when it happens. The air launcher likewise feels awkward and impractical, with you mashing buttons to score hits after the opponent is sent skyward. It's free so there's no harm in playing it... just know that in a sea of great Dreamcast fighters, KenJu is unlikely to be one of your favorites.

Hm, what else should I mention? Oh yes, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt recently died. I didn't spend a lot of time reading that magazine, but I did enjoy his other publication, Video Games and Computer Entertainment, along with its spin-off Tips and Tricks. (And yes, I definitely was reading them for the articles.) Also, someone released a Vectrex version of Warblade, a hectic shooter previously known as Deluxe Galaga. Frankly, I'm amazed this old machine can handle it, but somehow it manages, filling the screen with bugs, bombs, and bonus prizes.

Vectorblade, designed by Vide Malban.
The Germans seem to have a weird
fascination with the Vectrex. No, I don't
get it. No, I don't understand the
Hasselhoff thing, either.
(image from Retro Gaming Magazine)

You can run this either on a standard issue Vectrex or a Pitrex, which is evidently a Raspberry Pi connected to the Vectrex through the cartridge port, which runs Vectrex games using a Vectrex emulator. On the Vectrex. I need to sit down for a moment; that last sentence gave me a headache.

Microsurgeon

Come along and ride on the Fantastic Voyage!
(image from INTV Funhouse. TV Funhouse.
TV Funhouse. Come back with my show!)

You know, I had Microsurgeon for the Intellivision, once upon a time. It was one of those recklessly ambitious, conceptually brilliant games on the system like Utopia or B-17 Bomber or Hover Strike which glued you to your television even after the metal bar on the front of the system got so hot it burned to the touch.

But this post isn't about THAT kind of microsurgeon! Rather, it's about me having to install a new thumbstick in my Switch. I started the procedure feeling rather anxious, and ended it with a sense of accomplishment, coupled with some resentment that it was even necessary in the first place. Come on, Nintendo, you're supposed to be the champions when it comes to console reliability! Remember that GameBoy you recovered from Desert Storm, with its exterior burned to a crisp by napalm but its innards still capable of playing Tetris? How about the GameCube, which took a licking from Morgan Von Webb and kept on ticking? Now it feels like you've taken a step back to the days of the NES, with its flashing screens and finicky cartridge slot. Sure, gamers can buy a replacement JoyCon, if they can afford it... or even find it.

Since I couldn't, I had to go with invasive surgery... and while the thumbstick swap was a success, I struggle to think of another system which forced me to do this and made it so difficult. Do you know how small the components are inside a JoyCon? Small. "Insert Johnny Carson joke here" small. Small enough that I had to use a friggin' toothpick to push the power cable back into its proper slot. This is not a user-friendly fix, yet it's precisely what thousands of players have had to do because drifting has been such a widespread problem, and replacement JoyCons have been anything but widespread! Bad Nintendo! No biscuit!

Oh, by the way, this is what remained of the factory installed thumbstick:

It straight up disintegrated after I opened the JoyCon case and removed the screws holding it in place. Looks like at Nintendo, quality is job none!

Hmph. Anyway. Games just keep on comin' for the Dreamcast thanks to Megavolt85 and yzb. The duo just ported KenJu, a 2.5D fighter I didn't even know existed until this week, to the system, along with a prototype called Force Five, whose assets were repurposed in a different fighting game. It's even more entertainment from the game console that would not die.