Jess and the Too Many RPGs

I have a habit of being very stupid with my money. Take the last three months, for instance. I've picked up a dozen role-playing games for the Vita, PSP, and even the 3DS, thinking that these lengthy adventures would offer more bang for the buck than ordinary action titles. Or they would, if I bothered to play them. Let's look at the stats, shall we?

GRANDIA
PSone Classic
Time Spent: 2h 38m

That would explain the barely any clothes
you're wearing.

Will I Return? I ought to! I bought this because I played through the original on the Sega Saturn when I first lived in Arizona at the turn of the century. It's a bit slow and the translation lacks the zest that the game deserves, but it holds up pretty well for its age, and the candy-colored graphics are a delight on the Vita screen.

SUIKODEN II
PSOne Classic
Time Spent: 5m
Will I Return? As you can probably guess from the whopping five minutes I spent with it, probably not. I loved the first two Suiko games to pieces... their cast of 108 heroes scratched that "gotta catch 'em all" itch in a way the more juvenile Pokemon series never could. However, I'm starting to think that the season has passed for this franchise... I can't even get into the good Suikoden games anymore. (Not that there's been many of those lately.)

FINAL FANTASY VI
PS One Classic
Time Spent: 38m

Yes, this is the game where you body slam
an oncoming train. If only it looked as cool as
this drawing by DeviantArtist Porcodotranstorno!

Will I Return? Abso-freaking-lutely not. Maybe on another system, but the five second pauses between battles in the PSOne port kill the game's momentum like you wouldn't believe. Beyond that (and I risk the wrath of Square fans for saying this), I find the combat animation off-puttingly primitive, even by the modest standards of the Super NES. It might actually be charmingly quaint on the Game Boy Advance, but not so much on an uber-handheld like the Vita.

FINAL FANTASY IX
PS One Classic
Time Spent: not one damn second
Will I Return? I'd have to play it for the first time to return to it! Anyway, this purchase seemed like a good idea at the time, as it brings back the more whimsical atmosphere that the previous two Final Fantasy games abandoned. Despite this, I haven't been inclined to download it, and unless someone can make a strong case for the game, I probably never will.

LEGEND OF MANA
PS One Classic
Time Spent: again, not even a second

Sorry, you want the other RPG down the street.

Will I Return? I actually DID download this to my Vita, but haven't fired it up yet. I've always liked the Seiken Densetsu series, and Legend of Mana's more straightforward beat 'em up action (described by critics as a fantasy-based River City Ransom) is a tempting prospect. Don't be surprised if this one gets featured in a future post.

TRAILS IN THE SKY: THE LEGEND OF HEROES
PSP
Time Spent: 9h 23m
Will I Return? Of all the games mentioned in this entry, this one and Valkyrie Profile have soaked up the most of my free time. Trails in the Sky in particular strikes me as the second coming of Grandia, with similar combat and an inviting, lighthearted atmosphere. I'm confident that I'll be coming back for a second helping of this one.

Ys: THE OATH IN FELGHANA
PSP
Time Spent: 36m
Will I Return? Possibly! This is Falcom's attempt to rehabilitate the third Ys game, which received an unenthusiastic response from fans and critics alike when it was first released for the Super NES and Genesis. Wanderers from Ys made the mistake of switching to a side-view perspective, but the Oath in Felghana offers polygonal playfields that are closer to a traditional Ys game and give the player more space to dodge the attacks of hungry wolves. Which, uh, explode into meaty chunks when they've been killed. That's as good a reason as any to give this one a chance, I guess!

VALKYRIE PROFILE LENNETH
PSP
Time Spent: 27h 13m (!!!)
Will I Return? Are you kidding me? I've made too much progress in this game to quit now! I gave Valkyrie Profile a glowing review last December, and I'm still a fan three months later... even if the storyline has taken a detour into Looney-ville with creepy boy wizard Lezard Valeth and gods cloned from elves. Okay, really, isn't Nordic mythology weird enough without all this extra baggage?

STAR OCEAN: SECOND EVOLUTION
PSP
Time Spent: 1h (too many)

They've been a big help to me, too!
As a sleep aid!

Will I Return? Ahem. HEEEEEEEELL NO! This game is so boring it could drill a hole to the center of the Earth. Dig Dug and Mr. Driller look at it and go, "Dayum." 

Seriously, I fired this one up on a trip from Tucson, thinking that it would keep me entertained. Heh, nope. I would have been better off just watching the cacti zip by for that hour. It's designed by Tri-Ace and it's got a tantalizing science fiction setting, but it's ALSO got lots of idiot non-player characters who have nothing interesting to say but love the sound of their own voice. After about an hour I was ready to pop the UMD out of my system and fling it out the window. Let the coyotes have this one.

FINAL FANTASY VII: CRISIS CORE
PSP
Time Spent: 52m
Will I Return? I was warned that I probably wouldn't enjoy this much, given my well documented contempt for Final Fantasy VII. However, despite borrowing much of its setting and mythology from that, ahem, game, Crisis Core is an entirely different animal, with combat that strikes an intriguing middle ground between turn-based strategy and real-time action. It also looks gorgeous by PSP standards, a trait it shares with...

KINGDOM HEARTS: BIRTH BY SLEEP
PSP
Time Spent: 1h 4m

Cower in fear at my mighty, uh,
Cinderella powers.

Will I Return? Disney and Square are a combination of flavors so bizarre that it should only appeal to pregnant women, but you know, I think I could choke this one down. It looks terrific, the combat is nimble and action-packed, and the gameplay is pretty meaty, with a variety of Disney-themed worlds to visit and three different heroes to explore them. Best of all, the late, great Leonard Nimoy lent his voice to the lead villain, which was ultimately the deciding factor in my purchase. Oh yes, this will be going back into my PSP... count on it.

BRAVELY DEFAULT
3DS
Time Spent: 10m?
Will I Return? Bryan Ochalla was right... this IS a whole lot different from the demo that was released last year. I feel a little disoriented starting this one and being dropped in a completely different city. I'm also pretty damn annoyed that it has no apparent support for Miiverse, unlike practically everything else that was released for the 3DS and Wii U in the past twelve months. Come on, Nintendo, get with the program! If it weren't for Miiverse (and Smash Bros.) I probably wouldn't even turn on my 3DS! Anyway. I might come back to this, but it's not high on my list of priorities, especially now that I know the game turns into a train wreck about three quarters of the way through.

EDIT: Scratch that... there IS a Miiverse community for Bravely Default! A search didn't bring it up, but that tends to happen when you use one too many spaces. Thanks to MetManMas for the catch.

So there you have it. I've got too many damn RPGs, and not enough motivation to play them all. Let this be a lesson to you... lengthy adventures aren't a cost-effective way to play video games if you don't spend any time with them.