Milon's Secrets Revealed!

I was digging through some of my old notebooks, and found this gem hidden in the back of one of them...

The real secret is why it says "Garland?" on the top of this page.

This, of course, is the map for Milon's Secret Castle on the NES, complete with the locations of every item, the prices for each one, the seven bonus stages, and even the instruments you'll earn by completing them. I couldn't tell you exactly when I drew this; I suspect that it was somewhere between 1988, when I first got a Nintendo Entertainment System, and 1993, which was when I drew the rest of the artwork in the notebook. We'll split the difference and say this was from... 1990.

My most vivid (if not fond) memory of Milon's Secret Castle was playing it for three straight hours, since the game didn't have any battery saves or even a password feature. Even continuing was needlessly difficult, requiring an arcane combination of buttons. I was determined to beat it, though, and sat in a leather recliner for a large part of a sweltering afternoon, collecting all the items, making notes of where they were hidden, and rescuing the princess after killing the two pretenders to her throne. By the time I was done, I had to peel myself out of the chair, a challenge in itself.

It's funny looking back at Milon's Secret Castle in hindsight. In 1989, it seemed like a decent enough title; unpolished and obtuse in that grand NES tradition, but at least worth the rental. However, the internet was not nearly as kind in its assessment of the game. It's generally regarded as terrible on the Talking Time forums, and that sentiment is echoed in the majority of reviews on GameFAQs. In the game's defense... well, it's pretty hard to defend when compared to the more endearing and accessible Super NES sequel, Do-Re-Mi Fantasy. Still, there's a great deal of content in Milon's Secret Castle, with tons of stages and over a dozen hidden items. I can't say I'm chomping at the bit to return to it after twenty-odd years, but I might take a stab at the more player-friendly port of Milon's Secret Castle on the original GameBoy.

Well, maybe some day.

Awaiting Instructions: Yoshi's Island for the Game Boy Advance

As you may know (and if you don't, you will soon!), I had an operation a couple of weeks ago to deal with some serious digestive issues. I had to spend a week at the hospital to recover from the surgery, and decided that this downtime would be a perfect chance to get reacquainted with my Game Boy Advance. I purchased a handful of games on eBay in preparation for my week long vacation, including this one:

Sadly, Yoshi's Island didn't arrive in time... I had to make do with the original Super Mario World, along with a dozen other games already in my collection. (Gee, poor me!) That's fine, though, because this not only gave me a chance to work my way through Mario's first Super NES adventure, but it gave me something to look forward to when I returned home.

As it turns out, there was a lot I had to look forward to! The cartridge included two welcome surprises, including Mario vs. Donkey Kong (best described as a sequel to Donkey Kong '94 on the original Game Boy) and the Yoshi's Island instruction manual. Game Boy Advance games were shipped in flimsy cardboard boxes, so the boxes and manuals can be hard to come by. I thought I'd share my good fortune with the rest of you by posting a few pages from the manual right here. By the way, any resemblance this has to The Gay Gamer's Manual Stimulation series is purely coincidental. (Yeah, right.)

By now, you're probably already familiar with the story of Yoshi's Island. Turtle magician Kamek looks into his crystal ball and discovers that Mario will eventually be a major pain in the Koopa kingdom's collective keister, so he sends his lackeys to kidnap the child and his twin brother Luigi. Fortunately, a herd of wild Yoshis intervenes, rescuing the tyke before Kamek can get his hands on him. Now it's up to the Yoshis to free baby Luigi from Kamek's clutches and set time on its proper course.

You'll notice that Kamek is computer rendered in these pictures, which hints at Nintendo's original plans for Yoshi's Island. CGI was hot at the time thanks to films like Jurassic Park, and Nintendo wanted to capitalize on it by giving the game the same plastic sheen that defined the Donkey Kong Country games. Lead developer Shigeru Miyamoto detested the idea, and deliberately gave the game a childish, hand-drawn look to spite his corporate masters. Fortunately, that act of defiance paid off... Yoshi's Island is still considered a classic twenty years later, while many of its contemporaries that hopped aboard the CGI train were quickly forgotten. (Ask Sega how well Sonic 3D Blast or Vectorman worked out for them.)

Here's the control scheme for Yoshi's Island, which is... a bit of a handful if you're used to previous Mario games. Yoshi plays a lot differently than he did in Super Mario World, with a "flutter jump" that lets him briefly bend the laws of gravity and the ability to fling eggs at his enemies. I've always had trouble aiming eggs; the way the cursor turns on an axis always leaves me feeling like I'm not in complete control of my shots.

Ah yes, the famous Baby Mario scream. He starts crying when he's been knocked off Yoshi's back, which is an understandable reaction but nevertheless rubs most players the wrong way. I'd argue that Mario's squeals aren't any more irritating than Charles Martinet's cries of "Oh! Mama Mia!" in the previous Super Mario Advance games, but whatever.

All of these new abilities make Yoshi's Island a little intimidating to newcomers. I never really understood why Yoshi transforms into different vehicles, aside from giving Nintendo the chance to show off some nifty morphing effects. Also, you've got to ask yourself, "What's stopping Kamek from snatching Baby Mario while Yoshi is out joyriding as a helicopter?" Man, I just don't get it.

Also included on the cartridge, as was the case with every other Super Mario Advance game, is a loose conversion of the original Mario Bros. that's entertaining for maybe ten minutes. Why did Nintendo insist on putting this in four (wait, was it in Mario and Luigi as well? Make that five) different cartridges? You'd think people would have been plenty sick of it after playing it once. Anyway, it's here, and ready for you if you find yourself having too much fun with Yoshi's Island.

I can't think of anything else worth sharing from the Yoshi's Island instruction booklet, so here's a couple of fake advertisements from Valiant's Super Mario Bros. comic to round things out. This is a parody of the cola wars that raged in the 1980s. Bowser's hard sell (Koopa Kola or a painful death? Let me think about that for a while...) is really not much different from what Pepsi did with its Pepsi challenge, asking people to choose between their cola and a flat, warm glass of the competition.

And here's an ad for the similarly "appealing" Koopatone sunscreen. Evidently Bowser's got tanlines, even though this is the first time I've ever seen him in speedos. (Must be a bitch getting those on with that shell in the way.)

Judging from the single issue I've got, the Valiant Super Mario Bros. comic is a pretty good read... unfathomably corny, yes, but it does a better job of fleshing out the characters than Nintendo usually does. One of the stories in this issue has Wendy O. Koopa violently spurning the affections of a lovesick fish, and I honestly can't imagine her doing anything else.

Convalescing in Style: A Week at the Hospital with the Game Boy Advance

Welcome back to the land of the living! I've returned from my latest surgery, and I'm happy to say there were no major complications.  However, I'm less thrilled with the foot long trail of metal staples cascading down my stomach. Confession time: I have a tough time dealing with physical imperfections. Like, Seinfeld with his latest date tough. If someone's got a blemish or some other unusual feature, my eyes instantly snap to it. (It's not an endearing trait, but it is what it is.) Now I've got a zipper down the front of me that makes me look like a cast-off Godzilla monster, and it takes every ounce of my will to keep my eyes from it. Somewhere, Rod Serling is flashing a wicked smile as a camera slowly pans into the heavens...

Anyway. When I went to Grand Rapids for my (horrible, disfiguring) surgery, I had the foresight to take along my trusty Game Boy Micro and a stack of my favorite titles. Bryan Ochalla declared this to be the year of the Game Boy- the original white brick from the early 1990s- but in my opinion, it's the system's high-tech successor that deserves all the praise. Come on, it's got a huge library of Super NES quality (and beyond) games and the form factor of a Milky Way bar. Is it even possible to make a better handheld game system? No, of course it isn't. If you tried, the universe would collapse under the weight of all that awesome. It's a scientific fact. Just ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

"I've got better things to do than get involved in this stupid fight. Also, is that a zipper on your stomach?"

Shut up, Neil.

Here's a few of the games I was playing while recovering from my surgery. You'll learn pretty quickly about my gaming preferences from these short reviews, and you'll also notice how uncannily the Game Boy Advance caters to my personal tastes. I swear, there couldn't be a better game system for me if I had designed the thing myself!

King of Fighters EX 2: Howling Blood

Loosely based on the Neo-Geo game King of Fighters 2000, Howling Blood is very nearly the best fighting game on the Game Boy Advance and very definitely the best title SNK made for the system. 

(If you want to split hairs, this actually wasn't developed by SNK, but its successor Playmore, during that awkward time in the early 2000s when heartless pachinko giant Aruze had driven the company into bankruptcy and left it on the side of the road to die. But, uh, let's not open that wound right now.)

You may recall that the first King of Fighters EX was designed by Artoon, best known for the second most obnoxious bobcat in a video game. You might also remember that the game was horrendous, a pale imitation of the underrated King of Fighters '99. Luckily, Playmore learned from its mistakes and hired Sun-Tec to design the sequel, and that decision paid huge dividends.

Where do I begin? The graphics are stunning by handheld standards, with meaty characters brawling in such locations as a sand-swept desert and an aquarium. The heroes are all armed with their favorite attacks from the Neo-Geo games, and they all spill out from your thumb and onto the screen with little difficulty. Even the sound's not too shabby, although the metallic voices and wimpy hit effects take some of the impact out of each fight.

King of Fighters EX 2 comes out a little bruised in a direct comparison to King of Fighters 2000, and it's a royal pain in the posterior to unlock the "Master Orochi" modes for each character, but it's still a worthwhile fighter as long as you temper your expectations. Its only honest competition on the Game Boy Advance is Street Fighter Alpha 3, and you'd be wise to own them both if you're a fan of this genre.

Pac-Man Collection

Mass Media guffed up the Dreamcast version of Namco Museum pretty badly... shrinky dink characters and an appalling lack of features were the norm in that collection. However, the world discovered that on the more modest Game Boy Advance hardware, they really could do the Pac-Man. (Justice, I mean.)

Pac-Man Collection includes four games on one cartridge. All of them are commendable conversions of the arcade and console originals, but Pac-Attack is a boilerplate puzzle game without much lasting replay value, and Pac-Mania is an early experiment in computer rendering that fizzles out in a hurry once the novelty of the graphics wears off.

The real fun's in Pac-Man and Pac-Man Arrangement. Pac-Man is a razor-sharp conversion of the classic arcade game, and in the scroll mode, the graphics are identical to the original... not sort of similar like they were in Namco Museum for the Dreamcast. Pac-Man Arrangement could very easily have been released on its own cartridge; it's a brilliant late 90's update that's just bursting with life. Dots happily bounce on the playfield, eagerly waiting for you to gobble them up, and a new monster named "Kinky" turns the gameplay on its head, fusing with the other ghosts to create more dangerous hybrids. There are power-ups and speed-boosting arrows and new fruits and all kinds of tweaks to the action to keep it fresh and exciting. Sure, Namco Museum on the Game Boy Advance has a wider variety of games and Ms. Pac-Man, but it doesn't have this.

Super Mario Advance: Super Mario World

I made damned good and sure I had a copy of Super Mario World before I headed out to Grand Rapids for my surgery. After all, it was one of my all-time favorites on the Super NES, and I couldn't think of a better way to spend the week recovering than to plant Mario's big brown workboot in the butts of Bowser and his seven (recently disowned... what the hell, Miyamoto?) children.

I loved Super Mario World when I first played it on a demo kiosk at Wal-Mart back in 1991. I loved it when I first bought my own Super NES and got the game (in the same cartridge with Super Mario All-Stars!) six years later. It's no big surprise that I still love Super Mario World now, although it's gotten easier to notice the tattered edges. It's one of the blander Mario experiences, far removed from the rampant creativity of Super Mario Bros. 3, and it doesn't deliver the impact that a 16-bit game (especially a Super NES launch title!) should. It's like the designers sharpened up the resolution from the NES games, threw in some whoop-de-doo Mode 7 effects, and called it a day.

All that said, Super Mario World has some of the best level design in the series, with devious puzzles and stages that frequently let Mario explore freely in all directions. And while the fights against the Koopalings are kind of lackluster (pushing Iggy off a tilting bridge suspended over lava is a trying experience), that last battle against Bowser and his clown copter is the stuff of legends, using the system's scaling and rotation in a way that's both exciting and earnest. It just feels right, which is something that can't always be said about the Mode 7 in Super NES games.

The Game Boy Advance version of Super Mario World is mostly intact, aside from some shrill notes in the soundtrack and Charles Martinet's grating portrayal of Mario. These voice clips are not "just what I needed," and shame on Nintendo for forcing players to suffer through them. Also, the smaller screen of the Game Boy Advance forces the player to either use the L button to adjust the camera or take uncomfortable leaps of faith to progress. I almost feel like I deserve bonus bragging rights for beating this one, but I can't say I regret my time with it.

Ninja Five-0

The running theme for this game is "tough." This obscure Konami release, a pastiche of side-scrolling action titles like Rolling Thunder, Shinobi, and Bionic Commando, is a tough game to beat, but the challenge doesn't end there. It's also a tough game to find and a tough game to afford thanks to its extreme rarity. Konami didn't release many copies of Ninja Five-0 in the United States, making it a holy grail in the Game Boy Advance collection. If you own a copy, cherish it. If you don't, sell a few pints of blood so you can get a copy for yourself.

Anyway, Ninja Five-0 is a rescue mission set across a series of brilliantly designed levels. You'll sneak through warehouses and factories, freeing hostages from the clutches of gunmen, steadily wearing down the defenses of samurai cyborgs, and gracefully swinging over pits of spikes with your hook and chain. Alternately, you might kill a hostage with a mistimed shuriken toss, get fried to a crisp by one of the samurai's firebombs, or take a header into that pit of spikes. Ninja Five-0 is one of those rare games that will make you look masterfully skilled when you do well... and a total klutz when you screw up.

Fire Pro Wrestling

My first taste of this series, Fire Pro Gaiden on the Sega Genesis, was not a flattering one. However, the developers at Human Entertainment (now Spike-Chunsoft) whipped Fire Pro into shape on the Sega Saturn, and it's been the king of console wrestling games ever since. Sure, other titles might be endorsed by classic wrestlers like Dwayne "The Tooth Fairy" Johnson and Hulk "I'll put on my tutu" Hogan, but only Fire Pro delivers with some of the deepest, most customizable, and just plain fun action you'll find in the genre. The outcome of grapples is determined with careful timing, not mad button smashing, and there are plenty of attacks available to you once you've softened up your opponent. You can whip them into the ropes, get the drop on them from a turnbuckle, or even mount their chests and lay into them with a merciless flurry of punches.

The action is authentic to the last detail (focus your strikes on a weak spot and your opponent will start gushing blood, to the horror of the audience) and all the pageantry of the sport is here, from the flashy fighter introductions to driving chiptunes that keep each match nail-bitingly tense. Sure, the graphics aren't fantastic- Fire Pro's always been one step behind the competition in that department- and there's no representation from real-life wrestlers, but it's not like you're going to have a hard time figuring out who Axe Duggan and "Slim" Jim Mr. Mann are supposed to be.

Atari Anniversary Advance

"Have you played Atari today?" With this cartridge and a Game Boy Micro in your pocket, you can always be sure the answer is "yes." Atari Anniversary Advance includes six of Atari's best-known arcade games, hits like Centipede, Tempest, and Asteroids which were brought to the small screen with the magic of "meta-emulation." The developers at Digital Eclipse (now Code Mystics) emulated the logic of the arcade games while having the Game Boy Advance handle the graphics and sound natively, resulting in conversions that are unbelievably close to the originals.

The only sticking point is that the games, in that grand Atari tradition, are kind of dated. Centipede is as good as it ever was (flip your Micro sideways, tap the select button, and prepare to be blown away), but Asteroids is in black and white, and without a dial, the simplistic Super Breakout doesn't hold much interest. Battlezone and Tempest are more cutting edge with their striking color vector graphics, but Battlezone's always been sluggish, and the slightly chunky frame rate of Tempest suggests that the game may have been just beyond the Game Boy Advance's reach. Nevertheless, Atari Anniversary Advance is a satisfying collection for the oldest of old-school gamers.

Genesis DOES! Part 4: Mega Bomberman

Remember that epic list of favorite Genesis games that I was going to post on this blog? Boy am I behind on that! I originally planned to do these reviews in packs of five, but because it's been so long since I've written any, and because this review wound up being so long, I figured I'd post it solo. At the end I'll talk about a few other things, so stay tuned!

#24: MEGA BOMBERMAN

This was a frustrating choice. I originally planned to put Earthworm Jim 2 in this spot on the list, but a quick run through many of the stages revealed that its design was critically flawed, and that the game didn’t really deserve that honor. My back up, Dynamite Headdy, didn’t hold up under close scrutiny, either. Treasure tried to bring the slower, more methodical gameplay of a Nintendo platformer to the Genesis, but the level design quickly shifts from brilliant to sadistic, and Headdy, try as he might, just doesn’t have the charisma of Kirby, his closest Nintendo equivalent. Just try to argue the point after you listen to him creepily exclaim “Yeeeeees!” after picking up an item or beating a boss.

Step inside a mine cart and
watch your Genesis instantly
turn into a UNIVAC.

So that just leaves us to one option. Congratulations, Mega Bomberman, you’re my bronze medal! I was reluctant to pick this one, because as 99% of Genesis owners don’t know, this is a distressingly inferior port of the Japanese Turbografx-16 title Bomberman ‘94. The graphics don’t pop and the music doesn’t sing like it did in the original game, and slowdown is a constant companion in the later stages. Just hop in a mine cart and you’ll watch the world around you shift into bullet time, which was not an issue in the Turbografx-16 version.

(Tyrone Rodriguez, the founder of indie game studio Nicalis, once told me in a conversation that Mega Bomberman had so much slowdown because the Turbografx-16 had a faster graphics processor, or something. I contend that there’s nothing in the game that should have been beyond the scope of the Genesis, and that Mega Bomberman was a less than perfect port because Hudson Soft didn’t have much experience developing for the system. On top of that, it was de rigueur for Japanese game designers to shit on the Genesis back in the 1990s. But let’s not open that wound right now.)

What's yellow and just isn't right?
A remote-controlled banana.

If you don’t compare Mega Bomberman directly to Bomberman ‘94, and the vast majority of Genesis owners didn’t have that luxury, it’s a pretty good entry in the series. It’s got cleaner graphics and more personality than the Super NES games, with amusing death animations for many of your foes and some hilariously weird boss encounters. Yes, that’s an evil banana, and yes, it’s being remotely controlled by a monkey.

The battle mode is also pretty keen, without any of the nasty slowdown in the story mode and with the addition of Louies, colorful kangaroos that add strategy to the often frantic action. You’ll not only want to hop on one of these mighty marsupials to protect yourself from bomb blasts, but destroy any remaining Louie eggs to keep your opponents from hitching a ride themselves.

So that’s Mega Bomberman. It’s kind of a phone-in compared to the Turbografx-16 version, but since nobody actually played that one, it’s hard to criticize Hudson Soft for it. Besides, Hudson atoned for the game’s shortcomings with Saturn Bomberman, still regarded as the best Bomberman ever and still exclusively on a Sega system. So there.

OTHER STUFF

The neck bone's connected to the... knife hand.

So I finally downloaded all the games mentioned in my last post, plus Civilization: Revolution (hey, it was free!) and a demo of Dragon's Dogma, the action RPG that's considerate enough to use KY jelly, rather than going in dry like Dark Souls. I only played a couple of these titles so far, but I feel obligated to mention this... that remake of Mortal Kombat? INCREDIBLE. Not only does it look fantastic (doesn't every game these days?), but the gameplay has been brought back to the glory days of the series. It's not perfectly faithful to the original trilogy- combos have been shuffled around a bit and the almighty uppercut has moved to a different button- but it's much closer than Deadly Alliance and its misbegotten progeny were. Series creators Ed Boon and John Tobias were also smart enough to bring super moves to the series... and it only took them twenty years! Press A, B, and the right trigger together after you've filled a meter at the bottom of the screen, and you'll shatter your opponent's bones with a series of blows shown from inside their bodies. It's the nastiest anatomy lesson ever!

I also dabbled with Persona 4 Arena, which looks gorgeous but is missing something. I think that something is an arcade joystick... it'd be a better fit for P4A's brand of button-mashing action than the standard Xbox 360 pad. (Then again, most of the games I like would be more fun with a joystick.)

What else...? Oh yeah. I'm going in for surgery in a week, and I'll probably be too busy convalescing to post blog entries for a week after that. Or if something goes wrong, it'll be much longer than that. I'm crossing my fingers for a quick recovery, and uh, not dying. 

Assessing the Damage: 2014's Xbox Ultimate Game Sale

Well folks, it's finally over. That annual threat to your wallet, the Xbox Ultimate Game Sale, officially wrapped up yesterday, ending with a handful of games from the former T*HQ that mercifully, I have no interest in buying. Oh, but I did pick up a whole lot of stuff in the past week! Here's the rundown for those of you who may be interested:

CAPCOM ARCADE CABINET
price: $1.84

Similar to Microsoft's Game Room, Capcom Arcade Cabinet lets you buy your favorite arcade hits a'la carte. It's not preferable to getting them all on one reasonably priced disc, but welcome to our DLC-laden future! (groan) 

The game was called Black Dragon
in Japan, because, well, you get
the idea.

Anyway, Capcom was kind enough to give players a taste of the action by giving away its severely underrated medieval platformer Black Tiger. If you want more, you can buy games in packs of three for about six bucks a piece. Alternately, you can just grab the whole collection for twenty and get a couple of bonus games out of the deal. The games offered in the Ultimate Games Sale were the previously mentioned Black Tiger, another personal favorite, 1943: The Battle of Midway, and nobody's favorite Avengers, a kludgy overhead view brawler with absolutely no superheroes. 

Every game in the collection was emulated by M2, and the company has shown its usual love for the source material with detailed color manuals, art galleries, and a handy casual mode for less dedicated players. You can't get any achievements in this mode, but it's still pretty awesome to play Black Tiger and find treasure in every chest, instead of booby traps. 
RADIANT SILVERGUN
price: $7.94

I already spent a lot of time talking about this one in a previous post, so I'll just say that the game was easily worth the eight bucks I paid for it. You may want to bring a joystick along for the ride, however, since Radiant Silvergun doesn't map well to the standard Xbox 360 controller and you'll lose a lot of that authentic arcade feel without one. 

BEJEWELED 3
price: $1.10

When you win, you get gems. When you lose,
you get killed. Now that's what I call a
high-stake game of poker!
(Image courtesy of Unlimited Lives)

Bejeweled is an odd fit for the powerful Xbox 360... this gem-matching puzzle game was originally intended for computers and smartphones, and playing it without the benefit of a mouse or a touchscreen feels more than a bit awkward. Having said that, you can tell Popcap Games gave this port their all. Gems glitter and explode as you slide them into place to make matches, and when you finish a stage, the jewels are sucked into a vortex leading to the next one. There are also plenty of game styles, including a unique game of poker where making lousy hands could spell your doom, and a Zen mode without rules... you just slide gems around until you're bored. You might be surprised by how long that'll take, though. Some players have lost hours to this game without even realizing it! 

RIDGE RACER: UNBOUNDED
price: $5.29

A car wreck, in a train wreck!
(image courtesy of Mirror.co.uk)

As I'd alluded to in the last entry, I didn't like this one very much. A Ridge Racer game that borrows heavily from the king of arcade-style racers, Burnout, sounds like an enticing idea, but don't take the bait! This has many of the same problems that plagued 2010's Split/Second, including overly rigid gameplay (want to run your opponents off the road? Unless you've shifted into turbo, it ain't happening) and slingshot A.I. that ensures you'll never win a race. My best ranking so far is fifth place, and that's in the first race. The game's small cadre of fans swear that the game improves if you're willing to master drifting, but Unbounded is so intent on spanking you raw that you'll quit in disgust long before you learn the ropes. Save yourself the red marks and stick with Burnout Revenge.

METAL GEAR SOLID: PEACE WALKER
price: $5.24

Confession time... I'm not big on stealth action games, and made it a point to avoid the Metal Gear Solid series in particular. I think I played through the demo of the very first game on the Playstation, and that was about it. Friends have urged me to give the series an honest chance, which is why I picked up a copy of Peace Walker during the Ultimate Game Sale. They also told me that I should start with Metal Gear Solid 3, but since I missed that one when it was on sale last year, I'll have to settle for this high-definition port of the PSP game that snuck under the radar of most players. I've heard good things about Peace Walker from the handful of critics who caught it the first time around, so I'm hoping this will work just as well as an introduction to the series. Wish me luck! 

PERSONA 4 ARENA
price: $10.48

"I'm comin' for you, Lizabeth!" (clutches chest
and stumbles around the room)
(image courtesy of Dualshockers)

I know next to nothing about Persona, and for that matter, the entire Shin Megami Tensai franchise. The only titles in the series I've played are Raidou Kuzunoha vs. the Soulless Army and, peculiarly, the Virtual Boy title Jack Bros. Since there's been a lot of buzz about these games but because I'm not a huge fan of RPGs, I figured Persona 4 Arena would be a good way to introduce myself to the series. P4A was designed by Arc System Works and is said to be similar to their last big fighting game BlazBlue, with the addition of alter egos that fight alongside you, a'la JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. I wasn't a big fan of BlazBlue, but I'm hoping the cast of characters and their, uh, personas will be compelling enough to keep me entertained in spite of those similarities. 

DIRT 3
price: $4.99

Well, it's not the most appealing title for a video game, but the price was right, and I've heard nothing but effusive praise for this rally racing simulation, so why not take a chance on it? The best case scenario is that it measures up to Sega Rally Championship, the old Saturn release that ranks up there with Burnout and Wipeout as one of my all-time favorite racing games. The worst case scenario is... well, I don't like to think about that, but it couldn't possibly be as lousy as Ridge Racer Unbounded, right? (...right?) 

BROTHERS: A TALE OF TWO SONS
price: $4.28

He's a nice enough guy, but he really needs to
do something about those mushrooms growing
on his back.
(courtesy of Edge Online)

This is one of those art games that's low on action but delivers ambiance in spades. As a teenager and his impulsive (read: bratty) kid brother, you must travel the countryside to find healing herbs for your ailing father. Hearkening back to the forgotten Playstation 2 launch title The Adventures of Cookie and Cream, each thumbstick on the controller guides a brother through the beautifully rustic landscape, while the triggers on the top have them perform context-sensitive actions. Sometimes the brothers have to perform actions together to advance... for instance, the younger brother is afraid of water, so the older brother has to carry him across rivers and streams. It takes time to adjust to the gameplay- your multitasking skills will be pushed to their limits!- but stick with it and you'll quickly realize that it leads to a lot of brilliant moments. I haven't gotten far in this one, but I suspect it's going to be one of those experiences that's terrific the first time around, but won't offer much to lure you back after the credits roll.

MORTAL KOMBAT
price: $5.29

I can't get over how amazing this game looks.
(image courtesy of Pass Me the Popcorn)

MK isn't my fighting game of choice, but I've been curious about its resurrection at the hands of Warner Bros. Games, and it's worth five dollars to satisfy that curiosity. If Netherrealm Studios has brought Mortal Kombat's gameplay back to its roots and away from the kludgy, overcomplicated, and confused 3D fighter that it became in the 2000s, I'll be happy. Sure, the mini-games in Deadly Alliance, et al were cute, but I wish Midway had spent a lot more time working on the core gameplay and less on silly distractions. 

POOL NATION
price: $1.04

It's funny how quickly a one dollar price tag will convince you to buy a game you'd otherwise never consider. I thought all my Xbox 360 pool needs were met with Backshot Billiards 2, but the members of Cheapassgamer were adamant that this was an absolute must have, and for just one dollar, who am I to argue with them? 

NiGHTS INTO DREAMS
price: $2.64

Included in the game is Christmas NiGHTS,
a holiday classic and an instant collector's
item after the Saturn's demise.
(image courtesy of Videogamer.com)

Frankly, I'm a little stunned by the cold reception this game has gotten seventeen years after its debut on the Sega Saturn. Today's gamers seem utterly baffled by its androgynous hero and its airborne action... but that reaction probably wasn't much different from Saturn owners who crossed their fingers for a supercharged Sonic sequel and got this instead. Personally, I enjoyed NiGHTS... it was an acquired taste, sure, but it was creative, eccentric, and unexpected, making it a perfect reflection of the Saturn itself. It'll likely be out of place on the considerably more mainstream Xbox 360, but NiGHTS' colorful dream world should work nicely as a palate cleanser after an hour of sending stocky space marines to their doom. 

DARK SOULS
price: $5.29

Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into? I was in an abusive relationship with the previous game, Demon's Souls, for the brief time I owned a Playstation 3. After spending dozens of hours with that game and making precious little progress, I vowed that I would never put myself through that hell again. I resisted the last time Microsoft offered the sequel for five dollars, but the second time Dark Souls came up for that price, well... it broke my willpower. Just like how the game will break my spirit when I finally get around to playing it. I've heard Dark Souls offers some concessions to less skilled players, like a "Homeward Bone" that lets them return to the start of the game with everything they've collected, but I nevertheless suspect that there will be plenty of gruesome deaths and screamed expletives in my future. 

DRIVER: SAN FRANCISCO

price: $7.00

A Quinn-Martin production.
(Image courtesy of games.softpedia.com)

I needed an arcade-style racing game to get the icky taste of Ridge Racer Unbounded out of my mouth, and the latest game in the Driver series was nominated as my aperitif. The normally implacable Ben Crenshaw gave this one a big thumbs up on Zero Punctuation, his weekly video review series, but his review left me a little bewildered, perhaps even terrified. So you're a cop in a coma, whose disembodied spirit possesses other motorists? Do I have this right? You go all Ghost Dad on people so you can catch criminals from your hospital bed? Apparently, when Reflections re-invents a game series, they don't let a little thing like sanity get in their way. 

Shine on You Crazy Genocidal Diamond: The Ballad of Radiant Silvergun

You can also get Ridge Racer Unbounded in
the Xbox sale... but you don't want that.
(image courtesy of D-Pad Magazine)

For those of you still using these things, I just thought I'd point out that we're in the middle of Microsoft's Xbox 360 Ultimate Games Sale. Dozens of titles have been, will be, or currently are heavily discounted from their usual retail prices on the Xbox Live digital store. That not only includes obscurities like Viking and the critical darling Brothers, but blockbuster hits such as Batman: Arkham City and Skyrim as well. My advice is to get as much as you can until your overburdened hard drive screams for mercy!

One game that found its way onto the sale was Treasure's classic shooter Radiant Silvergun, although that was probably not Microsoft's intention. Shortly after it was offered to Xbox Live Gold members for $7.49, it jumped back to its usual fifteen bucks. There's no official explanation for the quickly rescinded price cut- Microsoft's Xbox support team seemed just as confused about it as I did- but it's been suggested on CheapAssGamer that Microsoft intended to shave the price for Japanese Xbox 360 owners, and that it had been offered to Americans by mistake.

(Heh, a likely story! Nobody in Japan owns an Xbox 360!)

Whatever the reason for the brief blue light special, I finally scored myself a copy of Radiant Silvergun, which makes a nice bookend to my digital copy of Guardian Heroes. Both games were by Treasure, both were originally released for the sadly neglected Sega Saturn, and both go for monstrous prices, should you be so unwise as to purchase the discs on eBay or from a used game shop. However, while Guardian Heroes is an exhilarating but ultimately hollow beat 'em up, Radiant Silvergun holds up remarkably well for its age.

Everything looks better in the Xbox 360
version of Radiant Silvergun, especially the
animated video clip that plays
before the game begins.

One reason for the game's graceful maturation is that it was rewritten for the Xbox 360 hardware. With older games like this one, it's customary for developers to just dump the original code into an emulator and call it a day. However, the Saturn hardware was cobbled together with two processors, which don't play nice with each other, would-be developers, or emulators. Treasure saved itself the trouble of working with the system's notoriously difficult hardware and built an entirely new engine for the game. The result is more than just a faithful port of the Saturn release from 1998; it's actually a better game.

Authentic transparencies replace the ugly latticework of the original, your ship's blasts exude a warm glow as they flow from its cannons, and the screen regularly fills with enemies and their bullets without the Xbox 360 breaking a sweat. One of the members of the Talking Time forums observed that Radiant Silvergun really shines when it's on hardware that can actually handle it, and as much as I respect the Sega Saturn and all it did to keep 2D gaming alive in the late 1990s... well, I'd have to agree. The Saturn had trouble keeping up with the high ambitions of Radiant Silvergun, but the more advanced Xbox 360 runs rings around them.

Radiant Silvergun's three button
control is an awkward fit for
the Xbox 360 controller.
(image courtesy of Ikotsu's
Blogspot page)

There's only one thing the Saturn version of Radiant Silvergun does better than its Xbox 360 counterpart, and that's the control. Obviously, the Xbox 360 controller isn't as well suited to 2D gaming as the Saturn's exceptional gamepad, but there's more to it than that. Radiant Silvergun was designed for three horizontally aligned buttons, and the Saturn pad has them, with buttons to spare for combined weapons and swipes of your energy sword. The Xbox 360's cluster of four face buttons makes using your arsenal of weapons less convenient and more confusing. An arcade joystick isn't absolutely necessary for this game, but it'd be a smart investment.

(By happy circumstance, this game perfectly maps to the Saturn controller I'd cobbled together years ago to play fighting games on my Xbox 360. Why Sega didn't officially release one of these for the system is a mystery for the ages.)

So for those of you who didn't catch Radiant Silvergun the first time around, here's what you missed. RS is an embryonic danmaku, or bullet hell shooter, with massive enemies that fill the screen with elaborate patterns of hot white death. Luckily, you're pretty well armed yourself, with three base weapons that can be combined a'la Gunstar Heroes for even more attacks. There are no power ups per se, but blasting chains of like-colored enemies will raise the strength of your base weapons.

A single swipe of your sword sweeps away all
your troubles. Well, most of them, anyway.

Oh yes, there's one other thing! Pressing all three buttons at once (or the right trigger on the Xbox 360 pad) produces a laser sword which trails behind your ship, slicing through foes and catching otherwise deadly clusters of pink energy. Grab enough of these with your blade and it becomes a weapon of mass destruction; twin swords that clap together, purging the screen of smaller ships and cutting the larger ones down to size. Even on the humble Saturn, this deadly pair of scissors was a stunning spectacle that left my friends screaming with delight. It looks just as awesome sixteen years later on the Xbox 360, but more importantly, it forces players to work for their salvation, rather than handing it to them with each new ship.

The game is well balanced like that, but it's rarely merciful. It lays down a heavy spread of fire that can be tricky to avoid, even with your ship's extremely lenient hit box. There are also set pieces in some stages that are tough to muscle your way through, like the rotating electrical fields which retract when you fire at their ends... and quickly snap back in place as you try to slip past them. You can take a different route through the game in arcade mode, but in the Saturn mode, you'll have to finish all the stages, no matter how nasty they get. At least you can farm for credits, if you've got the patience for it.

So, to make an extremely long blog entry short: Radiant Silvergun, the pinnacle of both the vertical shooter genre and the Sega Saturn library, is finally here on these shores, and it's never been better thanks to the power of the Xbox 360. While the $7.49 I paid for it is certainly preferable, anything Microsoft is charging for this game is a deal. You can get a used Xbox 360 and Radiant Silvergun and Guardian Heroes for what the Saturn disc will cost you on eBay, so unless you're a rabid collector with no intention of actually playing the game, the choice is obvious.

Penny Squeezins: My Latest, Cheapest Game Purchases

Good golly Miss Molly, I was supposed to be updating this blog! A thousand apologies, folks. My early impressions of the Wii U haven't been fully fleshed out and my top forty list of Genesis games has hit an Earthworm Jim-shaped roadblock, so how 'bout some brief reviews of the games I've bought (for stupidly low prices) over the last couple of weeks? Maybe I'll throw in my thoughts on the recent Nintendo Direct presentation as a bonus.

CRAZY TAXI
Android (played on Nexus 7 2013 edition)
Price: 99 cents

Oh, you'll miss plenty with control like this.
(image courtesy of Jeuxcapt.com)

What's most amazing about the Android format is how a tiny phone can offer everything you love about the home console experience. Well, everything but the fun, anyway. This port of the Dreamcast favorite Crazy Taxi is just one example, looking and sounding very much like the real thing but quickly running out of gas thanks to its awkward touchscreen control. You can also play the game by tilting your Android device like a steering wheel, but neither option compares to an analog thumbstick, and you won't be able to use one on 'droid unless you're willing to root your system and jump through a whole lot of hoops.

The predictably lackluster control makes Crazy Taxi a largely hands-off experience. Nevertheless, you'll be surprised by how faithful it is to the Dreamcast game while you're kind-of sort-of playing it. Music by The Offspring and Bad Religion blasts in the background as you tear through the city, picking up passengers and taking them to such iconic locales as, uh, Pizza Parlor and the Fried Chicken Shack. Even without the official license, it's not hard to figure out what that red roofed restaurant is supposed to be... not that Pizza Huts even look like that anymore. Remember, Crazy Taxi was released nearly fifteen years ago! (Why yes, you are old.)

By the way, there's a rumor floating around on the internet that Sega was able to survive its many dumb mistakes because it patented the navigation arrow and fleeing bystanders in this game. Thanks to the popularity of sandbox games and the necessity for a navigation arrow in their massive worlds, Sega gets a steady stream of profit from video game sales, even when those games aren't their own.

LEGEND OF ZELDA: A LINK BETWEEN WORLDS
Nintendo 3DS
Price: $15

I scored a digital copy of this game from a member of Cheap Ass Gamer, the internet's foremost pincher of gaming pennies. Normally, I wouldn't be interested in Link's latest adventures, but I'd gotten tired of endless rounds of Super Street Fighter IV and wanted something meatier in my 3DS library. Besides, at fifteen dollars, who could resist?

Ravio: Because the Zelda series needed
more creepy, disturbing sidekicks.
(image courtesy of Operation Rainfall)

I haven't really dug that deeply into A Link Between Worlds, but I've been impressed with what I've seen so far. The bird's eye view attempted in A Link to the Past is better realized here thanks to the system's more advanced technology and 3D display, and that Zelda™ brand confusion is kept to a minimum now that you've got a map marked with the next location you need to visit. Some critics have complained that the game treads on overly familiar ground, borrowing its level design and overall look from A Link to the Past, but as someone who grew up with a Genesis and never played that game, it all seems fresh to me. In fact, I think it's actually the third Zelda that comes up short in a comparison. I bought the Game Boy Advance version of A Link to the Past from another CAG member shortly after I got this one, and it seems so dated next to the 3DS game that it seems almost... quaint.

SONIC GENERATIONS
Xbox 360
Price: $10

I'd be perfectly happy if Sega made a game
that was 100% this and 0% new Sonic.
(image courtesy of Miikahweb)

Many people cite this and Sonic Colors for the Wii as the turning point for the Sonic series, which lost its way starting with Sonic Adventure 2 and spent the rest of the 2000s making more people miserable than the Bush administration. From my brief time with Sonic Generations, I'd have to agree that it's a step in the right direction, although not without a few stumbles. The game starts with classic Sonic, pleasingly plump and mercifully mute, speeding his way through an absolutely gorgeous 21st century re-imagining of the Green Hill Zone from the Genesis game of old. Once you zip past the sign that marks the end of the stage, the spotlight shifts to modern Sonic... and that's where the headaches begin. The action is seem from behind crappy Sonic's back and the control is noticeably more awkward, in keeping with later titles like Sonic Heroes and the universally reviled Sonic the Hedgehog 2006. Maybe I could get used to the way the modern Sonic stages feel with a little practice, but geez, I like the way classic Sonic handles now.

ELDER SCROLLS V: SKYRIM
Xbox 360
Price: $1

This game's pretty sweet! Well, sweet-ish.
(image courtesy of Digital Trends)
(also, please stop hitting me)

This was the best deal of the bunch, although it took a lot of work! When I purchased Sonic Generations from a pawn shop, I found a lonely copy of Skyrim behind the glass display, lying there naked and shivering without its green plastic case. I was offered an incredible deal on this poor, orphaned disc, but only on the condition that I couldn't return it and acknowledged that it may not work. 

At first, it didn't... the disc was badly scratched and had cracks in the spindle. I could get as far as the title screen with it in this condition, but two brisk cleanings with a dab of toothpaste got it to the point where I could transfer the data to my Xbox 360's hard drive. It's a clumsy workaround, but hey, it gets the job done!

Anyway, about the game. It's extremely similar to the previous Elder Scrolls installment, with two immediately noticeable differences. The first is that the interface has been rebuilt and streamlined, which is good news for newcomers but a little awkward for veteran Oblivion players. The second is that the setting has taken a sudden turn for the Norse, with snow-capped mountains in the distance and characters speaking in Swedish accents. It's a jarring shift that hits you like an Ikea chair to the face, but I suppose I shouldn't complain. After all, Bethesda also replaced the Oblivion gates and their long, boring dungeons with thrilling battles against massive, fire-spitting dragons. Good call!

MASS EFFECT 3
Wii U
Price: $11

I'll discuss this in more detail when I review the Wii U in a future blog entry. However, what I'll say now is that Mass Effect 3 is the kind of game the Wii U desperately needs to be competitive with Sony and Microsoft's systems. Of course, the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 got their versions of Mass Effect 3 a couple of years ago, but having the game at all is a step up for Nintendo, which missed out on the entire franchise in the last console cycle.

The only Commander Shepard you'll ever need.
(image courtesy of Leviathyn)

Mass Effect 3 continues where the last two games ended, with Earth conquered by the Reapers and the rest of the galaxy in deep shit. Once again, it's up to Commander Shepard to assemble a force to repel the Reaper assault, while also thwarting the sinister intentions of the shadowy Cerberus. As Ms. Shepard (please don't play as the guy), you'll spend equal time negotiating with being from other planets and blasting them into space-burgers with a small team of your best soldiers. This time, you can customize the experience to your liking, turning the game into a full-blown cover shooter, a story-heavy RPG, or a well balanced blend of the two play styles. There's also a digital comic that offers a quick summary of the events from the past two games. You know, the two games that were never released on a Nintendo system. (Thanks, Nintendo.)

I've spent a few hours with Mass Effect 3 and am already coming to the unfortunate conclusion that it's not quite as good as the sublime Mass Effect 2. Combat is looser, with less emphasis on finding cover, and the storyline is depressingly bleak... yes, even more so than the previous game. On the plus side, the acting is up to its usual high standards, with Jennifer Hale being the Captain Janeway you always wanted, instead of the one we actually got. (Who's that guy on the front of the box? Uh, I think he's the janitor or something.)

Oh, one other thing. The Wii U port of Mass Effect 3 lets you the game directly from the gamepad, freeing up the television for other family members and giving you the freedom to play it just about anywhere in the house. You can have Mass Effect in the kitchen, on the can, or even in the tub if you're willing to take that risk. It's a much better handheld option than Mass Effect: Infiltrator on the Android, which looked like an authentic Mass Effect experience but lost much of its heart.

NINTENDO DIRECT
Satoru Iwata
Price: Free

If you can't trust a Chuck E. Cheese character
with a bad comb-over, who can you trust?
(image courtesy of Shack News)

For those of you who don't know, Nintendo Direct is a monthly video broadcast with the president of the company announcing upcoming games for the 3DS and Wii U. These announcements are typically followed by gameplay footage and (often frustratingly vague) release dates.

This month, Satoru Iwata revealed the latest addition to the Super Smash Bros. cast, Little Mac from the Punch Out!! series. (That's the game where Mike Tyson beats you bloody in a matter of seconds, making it an extremely realistic boxing simulation.) He also announced the long-awaited comeback of the Koopa Kids (they'll be in Mario Kart 8, alongside their pop Bowser), and a video game which lets you ply a bulldog with doughnuts to receive real-life discounts on downloadable content. The broadcast ended with footage of a mysterious science-fiction action-RPG (anyone catch the name of this?) and Bayonetta 2, the Wii U-exclusive sequel to Sega's madcap beat 'em up.

At least the punching bag from Waku Waku 7
is still getting work.
(image courtesy of... me!)

That was about it for the memorable moments. There was a lot of footage of Kirby: Triple Deluxe, as well as the launch of the latest game in the Steel Diver series (this is a series now?! Oh lord...), but there wasn't much else for Nintendo fans to get excited about. That's a pity, because if ever there was a time for Nintendo to release a breakout hit, it's now. I don't think another Yoshi's Island sequel that fails to capture the magic of the Super NES game is going to cut it.